Dominant red flags

I’ve already touched on this before although I was thinking about it today after watching Brittany Simon’s video on BegforJay. And I have already spoken about some of these with the following links; here, wait, it was just one.

Jay reminded me of a Dominant that I had years ago. So I thought I would post a list of my red flags from Dominants. Please note; that one or two of these things does not necessarily mean that someone is abusive or not educated in BDSM. These are mostly based on my experiences.

Some of these things could in theory be negotiated in specific scenes or with partners that have been together for a long time.

  • Lies. Usually about small things.
  • Loves to gaslight you.
  • Will try to control things that are outside what has been negotiated for. E.g. Trying to pressure you to send intimate pictures, for example.
  • Threatens to shame or humiliate during a break up.
  • Cheats on their partners (usually a vanilla partner).
  • Does not allow the submissive or partner to give proper informed consent.
  • Wants to rush things.
  • Does not want someone to learn from a variety of sources and make their own opinion.
  • Ignores safety words.
  • Mocks the use of safety words.
  • Is unwilling to learn or to accept any form of criticism.
  • Does not believe in negotiating for scenes.
  • Does not respect safety words.
  • Has deep seated issues with misandry or misogyny.
  • A sense of unearned entitlement. E.g. Believes all women are submissive to them.
  • Tries to force or shame their kinks onto others.
  • Does not believe in safe sex.
  • Does not want or expect to negotiate for scenes.
  • Does not believe or do aftercare.
  • Blames everyone else for their problems.
  • Does not want to work in improving themselves.
  • Tries to “groom” other Dominants into serving them.
  • Does not want to learn or to expand their skills.
  • Does not believe in mentorship or learning.
  • Is neglectful of their submissives.
  • Will randomly disappear out of the blue with no explanation.

 

There are more but I will always be adding more. Feel free to add your own or to say what you think about the whole BegforJay situation. 🙂

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The Vanilla and Kink divide

I’ve already written about how I tend to shelter a lot of my vanilla family and friends from my kinky side. And wrote about how much they should know. Feel free to go and have a read if you haven’t done so already.

Today I was thinking more on it and the mental differences I have between the pair of them. Along with some of the reasons why I do this subconsciously. Keep in mind that I have relatively sex positive and I don’t shy away from sexual talk.

Vanilla

  • I don’t talk about the kinkier aspects. Although this one can alter slightly if they’re asking about BDSM or have general questions.
  • Friendzoned. No sex ever.
  • I likely met them through non-kinky means.
  • Once you’re in this zone. Congratulations. You will be here foreveeeeeeeeeeeeer.

 

Kinky

  • You are mostly kept apart from my vanilla side of things unless I know for sure you can keep your mouth shut to my vanilla people.
  • Sexual activities/deeper talk is likely/possible.

 

There are some differences. For example; My beloved S is in both of those worlds, and will continue to be. I think some of the past concerns that I have had have been with the safety of my loved ones (which shows some of my concerns about the individuals I was associating with at the time), and the happiness of being able to have two separate worlds. Each place gave me a sense of relaxation from the other and both of them are equally important to me.

Is this normal with a lot of people or is this something that I experience?

I’m still around!

I thought I would share a rather belated blog post. I have been busy lately. So what have I been up to lately?

My birthday has gone by recently so I have been socialising and enjoying myself more. It was lovely. I came to some quiet realisations about what I wanted out of life, and how I need to take the necessary steps to take them.

I’m continuing with my studies. They are going well although I need to focus and read a lot more than I used to. Unfortunately that means there is overall less time to devote to my blog than I would like. I tend to gain a lot of inspiration to write around the time an assignment is due though. 😉

I’m working on starting up a business. Thus far, the planning stage is having a range of mixed results. All part of learning and developing an idea. And well, ideas are pointless in the end because people value action and being able to witness results.

Noooow for the kinky stuff. 😉

My beloved S and I are still going strong. Tasks are still being set and completed, there are a lot of plans being made and deep conversations. He has told me that he has never felt so submissive before and well, it matches. I have never felt so dominate before either.

So hopefully you will be seeing more posts from be soon.

Switching it up.

I’ve been having some issues when it came to my submission of late. It had not been used or utilised. My beloved S and I have been struggling to find the right time to switch, things were not matching up, and it caused considerable friction for us. We had heartfelt discussion about things. It was nice and like a breath of fresh air. S told me that he did not want for his Dominance or my submission to disappear. Both of those things were important to him.

We brought up the struggles again and I told him a way he could look at it. He is taking care of me. He is serving me. He is doing the job that other people cannot do and he is by far the best person for the job. He told me it made him feel/sounded like a service top. It isn’t how I see him at all. He is my Owner. It is a technique he can use in order to get into the mental space that he needs to get into the zone.

The change that comes over him is incredibly sexy. There was a time when he did not embrace certain sides of himself. He becomes quietly confident. He is when he is submissive as well. Although it is a different type of confidence? A lot of Dominants will boost about their abilities to a point where they become nothing but a parody of Dominance. They sound like boasting little boys (or little girls) with absolutely nothing to back it up. I think that has been a lot of my problem with Dominants in the past.

I love seeing my beloved S when he is happy and serving him when I am this mindset. Although I admit, I like seeing him happy and growing with him in either one.

S has decided that I am submissive in our dynamic until further notice. It will be interesting to see how long he lasts. It has been a long time since there has been long term submission.

I feel more confident and happy in this side of myself again. Feeling accepted and embraced by your partner is vital. Although if I did not have patience and jumped the gun I may have stopped something that brings great amounts of pleasure to us both. Both of us needed that time. I am going to ask him sometime what brought the change in him sometime. It would be interesting to see what he has to say about it.

I have to say. This is the healthiest relationship that I have ever been in. Any issues or disagreements? There is discussion and healthy compromise with both of us. The differing dynamics between us heightens our relationship. It doesn’t hinder it.

A lot of people don’t seem to get it or they think either of us is not sincere in our submission or we are both secretly submissives. Or a whole heap of other bullshit. Why enter the world of BDSM if your mind is going to be closed in by so many of societies values? Hell, why do you complain when people don’t respond well to your dynamic but spout a heap of bullshit about others?

I think it is time for another rant blog about that, actually. lol

Online D/s moving to RL D/s

I’ve already written about online Domination here. Check it out if you are interested how I choose to do it. There are many different styles and avenues of doing online D/s. Although that isn’t quite what this blog entry is going to be about. What happens when the online world begins to move into move into the real one?

For some people the online realm is a place of fantasy. With no intention or desire to expand outside it. But for some? It changes and evolves. There are a lot of differing opinions about whether or not it is worthwhile. That is a question only you can answer for yourself.

The transition for My beloved S and I is going to be great one. I own him already. He belongs to Me and he is mine. Yet there is an ocean between us. There are relationship issues and matters concerning child support with him. There are many smaller issues that will take time to be sorted out. You know, the more boring but essential things in life such as; bills, health insurance, and dealings with vanilla family members. There is a strong chance S’ son will be there at least some of the time. While my mother will likely live with us as she ages. Our relationship combines M/s and vanilla elements together.

Then there would be learning about all of his health concerns. Would he be willing to kneel at My feet of hours? Of course, and he would love too. However, My slave has bad knees to put into consideration for his health and well being.

What will happen will be a review of health and limits. Things will need to go slow in order to build up towards the goal of having a 24/7 dynamic. My slave (and I) have both been working on our physical and mental health so when we do meet each other for the first time we are ready.

Communication. Making sure the pair of you are on the same page is vital.

I also recommend that if you are planning on meeting someone to follow safety steps. This is not to prevent you from getting physically hurt but to understand what sort of thing is involved.

I have no doubt there will be extremely kinky moments. I already have plans on how I am going to train him to be My perfect slave. Although there will be a lot of love and tender moments. I’ve had some criticism for this. At first, this sort of thing would bother Me a lot. Like the discrimination that a lot of switches face although that is another journal entry that I could write a lot about. (And technically, I haven’t made a journal entry specifically about that and I hope to fix that sometime soon.)

I have already written up a preliminary draft of the protocols and rules I will expect him to live by as My slave. It is more likely it will start as more of a D/s than a M/s scenario until My S is ready for the change, and well, to make sure he has earned it!

Anyway, I have to focus on revising for this damn exam and getting my last assignment done. All the best everyone!

Developments in BDSM & life

This is rambly and will likely not make much in the way of sense. Many of my usual readers will know this already. 😛

I have thought more today about how I have developed in a Dominant role. The concept of ownership is no longer a strange or even a kink based one. It is simply as it is. It feels natural yet it is something that I work to develop as well.

This was strange, for a long time I had a habit of either going to extremes with my responsibilities. Going too far with my perceived obligation or fleeing from any responsibility out of fear of messing things up, or not being worthy. My beloved S used to insist that he wants to be trained to be My perfect slave. I would always tell him that he was already, and he would politely question it. I’m beginning to realise what he was getting at. A part of my personality wants to people please in a way. It may not be the best thing for a Dominant to say. I never want for My beloved S to feel bad about himself. I didn’t realise by saying something when it wasn’t true at this time could be taken as an insult. Not that S took it that way.

This goes back to communication and I feel some parts of the remnants of prior abuse. I lock up, worry, and truly forget to breathe. I has been something that I feel I will need to work on for sometime. My beloved S has told me that he wants/needs me to punish him when he disobeys or breaks protocol. Knowing he disappointed me feels worse for him. The punishment resolves things and it goes back to a clean slate. Now in the past for us to move on from. I think it is that part that the pair of us both like the most. There isn’t a sneaky, holding it over a person’s head that can happen in other relationships. Not all relationships (D/s/M/s or otherwise) are like ours. This is how we both find things.

Slowly but surely we are moving towards making our relationship forward. S’s situation makes things difficult. There is a vindictive person involved in the relationship who will likely try to damage the relationship with the child, possibly will overreact and who has already tried to sabotage S’s friendships/relationships. A child. One of us would have to move and working out where, when, etc is tricky without bring BDSM into things.

I have never met anyone who is more funny or who I can have such deep conversations with. Yes, this is me getting excited and all swoony.

Each role during this process gives us both peace and happiness. It gives us structure to follow. This is sounding pretty cheesy but fuck it. I have never met anyone who calms me down, fires me up, inspires me, supports me, loves me as I am and utterly encourages my growth. We have our moments and our trials.

 

Conversation: Progress & Listening.

The conversation I intended to have (and had been dreading) has taken place. It turns out that it went much better than I had expected. Both of us spoke and listened to each other. It turns out the wrong phrasing was used. It is loved, valued, cherished, and absolutely wanted. We both gave each other space. Listened. It is in the progress of being resolved, and the pair of us are working on a solution to the problem.

A part of me is scared that it is open with without the secrecy or underhanded behaviour that I have experienced in the past. It is refreshing yet also terrifying at the same time. I need to re-learn how to communicate effectively with people. My beloved S has helped me with this already, but this has been a sign that both of us could do with a refresher. Both of us have had negative experiences with people trying to use hurt or past errors as a way to control or manipulate.

Overall, it went well. 🙂