Switching it up.

I’ve been having some issues when it came to my submission of late. It had not been used or utilised. My beloved S and I have been struggling to find the right time to switch, things were not matching up, and it caused considerable friction for us. We had heartfelt discussion about things. It was nice and like a breath of fresh air. S told me that he did not want for his Dominance or my submission to disappear. Both of those things were important to him.

We brought up the struggles again and I told him a way he could look at it. He is taking care of me. He is serving me. He is doing the job that other people cannot do and he is by far the best person for the job. He told me it made him feel/sounded like a service top. It isn’t how I see him at all. He is my Owner. It is a technique he can use in order to get into the mental space that he needs to get into the zone.

The change that comes over him is incredibly sexy. There was a time when he did not embrace certain sides of himself. He becomes quietly confident. He is when he is submissive as well. Although it is a different type of confidence? A lot of Dominants will boost about their abilities to a point where they become nothing but a parody of Dominance. They sound like boasting little boys (or little girls) with absolutely nothing to back it up. I think that has been a lot of my problem with Dominants in the past.

I love seeing my beloved S when he is happy and serving him when I am this mindset. Although I admit, I like seeing him happy and growing with him in either one.

S has decided that I am submissive in our dynamic until further notice. It will be interesting to see how long he lasts. It has been a long time since there has been long term submission.

I feel more confident and happy in this side of myself again. Feeling accepted and embraced by your partner is vital. Although if I did not have patience and jumped the gun I may have stopped something that brings great amounts of pleasure to us both. Both of us needed that time. I am going to ask him sometime what brought the change in him sometime. It would be interesting to see what he has to say about it.

I have to say. This is the healthiest relationship that I have ever been in. Any issues or disagreements? There is discussion and healthy compromise with both of us. The differing dynamics between us heightens our relationship. It doesn’t hinder it.

A lot of people don’t seem to get it or they think either of us is not sincere in our submission or we are both secretly submissives. Or a whole heap of other bullshit. Why enter the world of BDSM if your mind is going to be closed in by so many of societies values? Hell, why do you complain when people don’t respond well to your dynamic but spout a heap of bullshit about others?

I think it is time for another rant blog about that, actually. lol

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Online D/s moving to RL D/s

I’ve already written about online Domination here. Check it out if you are interested how I choose to do it. There are many different styles and avenues of doing online D/s. Although that isn’t quite what this blog entry is going to be about. What happens when the online world begins to move into move into the real one?

For some people the online realm is a place of fantasy. With no intention or desire to expand outside it. But for some? It changes and evolves. There are a lot of differing opinions about whether or not it is worthwhile. That is a question only you can answer for yourself.

The transition for My beloved S and I is going to be great one. I own him already. He belongs to Me and he is mine. Yet there is an ocean between us. There are relationship issues and matters concerning child support with him. There are many smaller issues that will take time to be sorted out. You know, the more boring but essential things in life such as; bills, health insurance, and dealings with vanilla family members. There is a strong chance S’ son will be there at least some of the time. While my mother will likely live with us as she ages. Our relationship combines M/s and vanilla elements together.

Then there would be learning about all of his health concerns. Would he be willing to kneel at My feet of hours? Of course, and he would love too. However, My slave has bad knees to put into consideration for his health and well being.

What will happen will be a review of health and limits. Things will need to go slow in order to build up towards the goal of having a 24/7 dynamic. My slave (and I) have both been working on our physical and mental health so when we do meet each other for the first time we are ready.

Communication. Making sure the pair of you are on the same page is vital.

I also recommend that if you are planning on meeting someone to follow safety steps. This is not to prevent you from getting physically hurt but to understand what sort of thing is involved.

I have no doubt there will be extremely kinky moments. I already have plans on how I am going to train him to be My perfect slave. Although there will be a lot of love and tender moments. I’ve had some criticism for this. At first, this sort of thing would bother Me a lot. Like the discrimination that a lot of switches face although that is another journal entry that I could write a lot about. (And technically, I haven’t made a journal entry specifically about that and I hope to fix that sometime soon.)

I have already written up a preliminary draft of the protocols and rules I will expect him to live by as My slave. It is more likely it will start as more of a D/s than a M/s scenario until My S is ready for the change, and well, to make sure he has earned it!

Anyway, I have to focus on revising for this damn exam and getting my last assignment done. All the best everyone!

Developments in BDSM & life

This is rambly and will likely not make much in the way of sense. Many of my usual readers will know this already. 😛

I have thought more today about how I have developed in a Dominant role. The concept of ownership is no longer a strange or even a kink based one. It is simply as it is. It feels natural yet it is something that I work to develop as well.

This was strange, for a long time I had a habit of either going to extremes with my responsibilities. Going too far with my perceived obligation or fleeing from any responsibility out of fear of messing things up, or not being worthy. My beloved S used to insist that he wants to be trained to be My perfect slave. I would always tell him that he was already, and he would politely question it. I’m beginning to realise what he was getting at. A part of my personality wants to people please in a way. It may not be the best thing for a Dominant to say. I never want for My beloved S to feel bad about himself. I didn’t realise by saying something when it wasn’t true at this time could be taken as an insult. Not that S took it that way.

This goes back to communication and I feel some parts of the remnants of prior abuse. I lock up, worry, and truly forget to breathe. I has been something that I feel I will need to work on for sometime. My beloved S has told me that he wants/needs me to punish him when he disobeys or breaks protocol. Knowing he disappointed me feels worse for him. The punishment resolves things and it goes back to a clean slate. Now in the past for us to move on from. I think it is that part that the pair of us both like the most. There isn’t a sneaky, holding it over a person’s head that can happen in other relationships. Not all relationships (D/s/M/s or otherwise) are like ours. This is how we both find things.

Slowly but surely we are moving towards making our relationship forward. S’s situation makes things difficult. There is a vindictive person involved in the relationship who will likely try to damage the relationship with the child, possibly will overreact and who has already tried to sabotage S’s friendships/relationships. A child. One of us would have to move and working out where, when, etc is tricky without bring BDSM into things.

I have never met anyone who is more funny or who I can have such deep conversations with. Yes, this is me getting excited and all swoony.

Each role during this process gives us both peace and happiness. It gives us structure to follow. This is sounding pretty cheesy but fuck it. I have never met anyone who calms me down, fires me up, inspires me, supports me, loves me as I am and utterly encourages my growth. We have our moments and our trials.

 

Conversation: Progress & Listening.

The conversation I intended to have (and had been dreading) has taken place. It turns out that it went much better than I had expected. Both of us spoke and listened to each other. It turns out the wrong phrasing was used. It is loved, valued, cherished, and absolutely wanted. We both gave each other space. Listened. It is in the progress of being resolved, and the pair of us are working on a solution to the problem.

A part of me is scared that it is open with without the secrecy or underhanded behaviour that I have experienced in the past. It is refreshing yet also terrifying at the same time. I need to re-learn how to communicate effectively with people. My beloved S has helped me with this already, but this has been a sign that both of us could do with a refresher. Both of us have had negative experiences with people trying to use hurt or past errors as a way to control or manipulate.

Overall, it went well. 🙂

 

Just a load of bleh.

I’m still busy with uni.

I’m likely going to be having more regular visits to my psychiatrist, and likely a mixture of both psychologist and group therapy. Although it will start in around three-six months time. It clashes with some schedules but needs to be done. I fucking hate needing to go back and do all this fucking shit again.

I’m also in a frustrated, exhausted and baffled mood. A part of me is still in shock. I have never regretted setting a task so much. I don’t want it to be ‘like a chore’. I want it to be treasured, cherished, loved and admired. I know it is valued but I would like to see how it is.

Is it really that awful? Uninspiring? Troublesome? Not worthwhile? Like a task you have to do?

This is a side of me I don’t show people. But I show that person.

I can’t ask for it anymore. I feel trapped. It is a part of me and a need that I have. It has changed. I need it less often yet it is more vital for me now.

I won’t have it or my vulnerable side be ‘like a chore’.

I need to have a serious think about somethings. The love will always be there yet this has been one of the most hurtful things said, once more, it doesn’t feel resolved. I did my usual thing of walking it off. It will always be in the back of my mind now. I want my partner to love all sides of me, not solely the parts they favour. Without all of it. I’m not whole. I probably dismissed it and moved on from it too fast.

I need to meditate, reflex and clear my mind of chaos. I know I am loved and I am in love. A vast majority of other things are good. Although this needs to be addressed again.

Growth for My beloved S

 

My beloved S has had issues with a group of people who who considered to be like family. I’ve told him bits and pieces of what I thought of them although largely kept quiet about them as well. The realisation that the person was a narcissist and was trying to control things they had no right to. It couldn’t have been easy to do.

My beloved S doesn’t make excuses or apologies for having boundaries when it comes to these people. It is awe inspiring to watch. A little while ago, he reached out to one of them to own up to his mistakes. Personally, I don’t feel he needed to apologise for what happened. Maybe how it all went down. Let’s call her the Queen. Needless to say, she did her usual gaslighting bullshit and then it stirred the place up again. She later received a message from the daughter of them saying the Matriarch barely recognised her when she was in a coma and that My beloved S “owes” her to make it up to the Queen.

I had two reactions when I heard this. I knew this was going to hurt My beloved S due to clear emotional manipulation (and really, it is abuse at this point.) And nearly rolling my eyes out of my fucking head.

See, this place would ALWAYS use near death/hospital to excuse their bullshit behaviour. Whether it was avoiding paying the bills, neglect, or trying to bring wayward members back under their control. Later, I was blamed as the reason that it all broke down.

There is a long drawn out story about this and I have started so many blog entries to write about these idiots. I’ve ran out of steam. I’m officially out of fucks to give about these idiots with massive egos and entitlement.

 

Anyway, case in point, the more My beloved S has given control to Me. The more he has gained control in other areas of his lives. I have commanded him that he is to be treated with courtesy and respect. If someone doesn’t give him that. Then they can go. Life is too short. He has told me that without My influence that he would have gone back to this group of people. My beloved slave has one of the kindest hearts of anyone I have ever met. It is truly beautiful to watch him get stronger and more self-assured.

The people at that place have blamed me for everything that went wrong with their bullshit. It is nice to be away from negativity. It is nice to not be blamed for things I didn’t do. It is nice not being their scapegoat. Although I likely still am. One day, I hope they will realise that their actions led to this. Our boundaries and self respect needs to be respected. Nor are we “filled with selfish desire” for having them either.

I warned her from the start not to try to control or manipulate us.

Sass aside, My beloved S has become so relaxed and doesn’t worry as much about the Realm or that place. The change in him has been incredible. Always he amazes Me with his courage and determination. It has taken him a long time to develop boundaries with people, and I am proud of him for maintaining them when it came to dealing with these people. He did not back down from them and nor did he allow them to draw him in.

I think they’re beginning to realise they have lost him.

And they only have themselves to blame.

Three day quote challenge: Day three

For the two earlier entries are found here and here.

A day late but better late than never!

Thank you, barefootsub for nominating me. It is appreciated.

I can see why this quote may be strange for someone in a D/s relationship. My beloved S has been an incredible part of my life. I have grown organically since being with him. He has grown organically being with me. No pressure. No hatred. No abuse. Nothing toxic. It has taken me a long time to accept that I am allowed to be happy in a relationship. That the calm and happiness didn’t mean there was a massive storm around the corner.

It is happy, supportive, loving, and this relationship has been incredible. S is a gift that I am not sure what I have done to deserve. Although I treasure it everyday.

Rules:

  • Thank the person who nominated you.
  • Post a quote for three consecutive days (1 quote for each day).
  • Share why this quote appeals so much to you.
  • Nominate 3 different bloggers for each day.

 

Nominations.

  • R.V .
  • Most of my friends in my circle have done this already or are doing it. If I missed you, please let me know!