I’ve already touched on this before although I was thinking about it today after watching Brittany Simon’s video on BegforJay. And I have already spoken about some of these with the following links; here, wait, it was just one.
Jay reminded me of a Dominant that I had years ago. So I thought I would post a list of my red flags from Dominants. Please note; that one or two of these things does not necessarily mean that someone is abusive or not educated in BDSM. These are mostly based on my experiences.
Some of these things could in theory be negotiated in specific scenes or with partners that have been together for a long time.
- Lies. Usually about small things.
- Loves to gaslight you.
- Will try to control things that are outside what has been negotiated for. E.g. Trying to pressure you to send intimate pictures, for example.
- Threatens to shame or humiliate during a break up.
- Cheats on their partners (usually a vanilla partner).
- Does not allow the submissive or partner to give proper informed consent.
- Wants to rush things.
- Does not want someone to learn from a variety of sources and make their own opinion.
- Ignores safety words.
- Mocks the use of safety words.
- Is unwilling to learn or to accept any form of criticism.
- Does not believe in negotiating for scenes.
- Does not respect safety words.
- Has deep seated issues with misandry or misogyny.
- A sense of unearned entitlement. E.g. Believes all women are submissive to them.
- Tries to force or shame their kinks onto others.
- Does not believe in safe sex.
- Does not want or expect to negotiate for scenes.
- Does not believe or do aftercare.
- Blames everyone else for their problems.
- Does not want to work in improving themselves.
- Tries to “groom” other Dominants into serving them.
- Does not want to learn or to expand their skills.
- Does not believe in mentorship or learning.
- Is neglectful of their submissives.
- Will randomly disappear out of the blue with no explanation.
There are more but I will always be adding more. Feel free to add your own or to say what you think about the whole BegforJay situation. 🙂