Dominant red flags

I’ve already touched on this before although I was thinking about it today after watching Brittany Simon’s video on BegforJay. And I have already spoken about some of these with the following links; here, wait, it was just one.

Jay reminded me of a Dominant that I had years ago. So I thought I would post a list of my red flags from Dominants. Please note; that one or two of these things does not necessarily mean that someone is abusive or not educated in BDSM. These are mostly based on my experiences.

Some of these things could in theory be negotiated in specific scenes or with partners that have been together for a long time.

  • Lies. Usually about small things.
  • Loves to gaslight you.
  • Will try to control things that are outside what has been negotiated for. E.g. Trying to pressure you to send intimate pictures, for example.
  • Threatens to shame or humiliate during a break up.
  • Cheats on their partners (usually a vanilla partner).
  • Does not allow the submissive or partner to give proper informed consent.
  • Wants to rush things.
  • Does not want someone to learn from a variety of sources and make their own opinion.
  • Ignores safety words.
  • Mocks the use of safety words.
  • Is unwilling to learn or to accept any form of criticism.
  • Does not believe in negotiating for scenes.
  • Does not respect safety words.
  • Has deep seated issues with misandry or misogyny.
  • A sense of unearned entitlement. E.g. Believes all women are submissive to them.
  • Tries to force or shame their kinks onto others.
  • Does not believe in safe sex.
  • Does not want or expect to negotiate for scenes.
  • Does not believe or do aftercare.
  • Blames everyone else for their problems.
  • Does not want to work in improving themselves.
  • Tries to “groom” other Dominants into serving them.
  • Does not want to learn or to expand their skills.
  • Does not believe in mentorship or learning.
  • Is neglectful of their submissives.
  • Will randomly disappear out of the blue with no explanation.

 

There are more but I will always be adding more. Feel free to add your own or to say what you think about the whole BegforJay situation. 🙂

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The slave prayer

I recently assigned My beloved S to write his slave prayer. I instructed him to search others for some loose guidelines and to come up with his own version of it. My beloved S exceeded my expectations. When I read it I had tears in My eyes. I asked My slave if he was comfortable sharing it with everyone and he agreed.

Here it is.

My Daily slave Prayer to my Domina

In Her presence do i feel love.

In Her cage do i gain peace.

Through Her chains do i gain security.

Through Her discipline do i learn obedience.

Through Her humiliating me do i learn humility.

Through Her Protocols do i learn structure.

Through Her guidance do i mature.

Through Her pleasure do i know joy.

Through my submission my heart is forever collared to You my Domina.

i am but a mould. You are the sculptor. i give myself to You freely and completely to serve You as Your will demands.

i am Your loving slave. i love You with all my heart, body, and soul my Domina now and for all time.

 

 

This is deeply meaningful for me. My slave is to recite this every morning and every evening, right before he goes to sleep. At the moment, he is still learning it so he can complete the daily set of tasks and I hope it helps him in his submission to Me. Every day this style of relationship suits us. I’ve said this before. I don’t think I understood this lifestyle as completely as I do now. The more he has been submitting the happier he has been with much of his life. We are both at ease. This prayer is one of the many symbols of his submission to Me.

What about it do I love?

I love how he wrote it. I love how it is personalised for us and our M/s relationship.

I love reading it.

I go over it and think more on it.

I was thinking about writing an Owner’s promise to him. It isn’t something I have heard of before. Yet I think it would be inspiring for Me to keep seeing it regularly.

I have more inspiration for more blog entries.

Why does this always come during uni time? lol

The Vanilla and Kink divide

I’ve already written about how I tend to shelter a lot of my vanilla family and friends from my kinky side. And wrote about how much they should know. Feel free to go and have a read if you haven’t done so already.

Today I was thinking more on it and the mental differences I have between the pair of them. Along with some of the reasons why I do this subconsciously. Keep in mind that I have relatively sex positive and I don’t shy away from sexual talk.

Vanilla

  • I don’t talk about the kinkier aspects. Although this one can alter slightly if they’re asking about BDSM or have general questions.
  • Friendzoned. No sex ever.
  • I likely met them through non-kinky means.
  • Once you’re in this zone. Congratulations. You will be here foreveeeeeeeeeeeeer.

 

Kinky

  • You are mostly kept apart from my vanilla side of things unless I know for sure you can keep your mouth shut to my vanilla people.
  • Sexual activities/deeper talk is likely/possible.

 

There are some differences. For example; My beloved S is in both of those worlds, and will continue to be. I think some of the past concerns that I have had have been with the safety of my loved ones (which shows some of my concerns about the individuals I was associating with at the time), and the happiness of being able to have two separate worlds. Each place gave me a sense of relaxation from the other and both of them are equally important to me.

Is this normal with a lot of people or is this something that I experience?

Reflection: My understanding of submission.

I love to sit and reflect on the past.

I probably do it too often. It can’t hurt to look back and see how far I have come. I talked with my S about things the other day. One of the things that stood out to me was how I viewed submission, and how it was beneficial. I didn’t realise that former me even really had this bias. However, I totally did.

A part of me wondered why S craved and needed it so badly. Even when I took ownership of him, a part of me still wondered whether this was a good thing for him. There were times when I even wondered whether I could do it.

Submission is what he needs.

He is submissive.

It is where his soul is happy.

It is where he is happiest. It is, well, it where his soul is where it is supposed to be.

This isn’t for everyone. No-one should be pressured into submitting to someone they don’t want to. It also brought up how I viewed my Domination. I’m happier when I am in the Dominant role within a relationship. It is where I am happiest and strongest. Besides not being ready. I think that was a lot of issues with my previous relationships. Although that is another large and ranty blog about a range of things, lol.

Being vulnerable to your partner is not a sign of weakness. I love when we switch although this is natural for us.

Before My beloved S, I don’t think I really understood it before and this, is perfect.

We laugh, play games together, watch movies, chat about anything and everything, yet with a click of My fingers. It all changes. My beloved S is always Mine. Always. Yet the protocol level changes.

I am so incredibly blessed.

Switches can’t be Dominant.

Do you like my clickbait as fuck title? 😉

I utterly disagree with the subject. Switches can be Dominant, and some of the best Dominants I have ever encountered have been switches.

I’ve received some comments on and off about switches not being Dominant or not fitting into an idiot’s limited view of Domination. If some of them read through my blog entries they would be able to see that they questions had already been answered, several times, in fact. I’ve been into BDSM in varying degrees since I was about sixteen. Yes, I was underage and no I absolutely do not recommend it to anyone.

Switches can be Dominant.

Switches can be submissive.

Why is it so hard for people to understand that people can be variable? They don’t need to fit into little boxes to suit your limited world view. Every switch is different. Just like every Dominant is different. And every submissive is different.

 

Here is a loose summary of some different switches that I have met over the years.

  • Some sub to only one partner.
  • Some Dom only one partner.
  • Some are submissive to one gender yet Dominate with another.
  • Some are submissive to a particular race.
  • Some are Dominant for certain kinks and others are submissive.
  • Some switch about 50% of the time.
  • Some lean towards Dominant.
  • Some lead towards submissive.

 

Now there are a variety of reasons why some people switch. Here are some that I have heard and I would like to share. To be fair, some of these could be applied for topping/bottoming as well and there is some overlap.

  • It is a need they have.
  • They are able to learn fresh skills and get refreshers for various things.
  • It helps them get into their submissive’s head better.
  • Denying one part of themselves would be lying about who they are.
  • They do not like the restrictive mindset that some kinksters have and are open to a variety of experiences.
  • It feels right for them.

 

This isn’t quite the same thing. I have heard that some people think that were submissives cannot make good Dominants. I can understand while some Dominants don’t align with being submissive, and that is perfectly okay. Again. Why limit other people to your own view of the world? I think part of this comes from an ignorant standpoint about how submissives are viewed.

A baby wears size 00 clothes and it fit for them. No-one in the right mind would expect an adult to wear it. So why do people try to put a label on them that has not fit for some time?

It makes absolutely zero sense.

Growth and change is a thing.

Okay… I swear, no more ranting today.

Switching it up.

I’ve been having some issues when it came to my submission of late. It had not been used or utilised. My beloved S and I have been struggling to find the right time to switch, things were not matching up, and it caused considerable friction for us. We had heartfelt discussion about things. It was nice and like a breath of fresh air. S told me that he did not want for his Dominance or my submission to disappear. Both of those things were important to him.

We brought up the struggles again and I told him a way he could look at it. He is taking care of me. He is serving me. He is doing the job that other people cannot do and he is by far the best person for the job. He told me it made him feel/sounded like a service top. It isn’t how I see him at all. He is my Owner. It is a technique he can use in order to get into the mental space that he needs to get into the zone.

The change that comes over him is incredibly sexy. There was a time when he did not embrace certain sides of himself. He becomes quietly confident. He is when he is submissive as well. Although it is a different type of confidence? A lot of Dominants will boost about their abilities to a point where they become nothing but a parody of Dominance. They sound like boasting little boys (or little girls) with absolutely nothing to back it up. I think that has been a lot of my problem with Dominants in the past.

I love seeing my beloved S when he is happy and serving him when I am this mindset. Although I admit, I like seeing him happy and growing with him in either one.

S has decided that I am submissive in our dynamic until further notice. It will be interesting to see how long he lasts. It has been a long time since there has been long term submission.

I feel more confident and happy in this side of myself again. Feeling accepted and embraced by your partner is vital. Although if I did not have patience and jumped the gun I may have stopped something that brings great amounts of pleasure to us both. Both of us needed that time. I am going to ask him sometime what brought the change in him sometime. It would be interesting to see what he has to say about it.

I have to say. This is the healthiest relationship that I have ever been in. Any issues or disagreements? There is discussion and healthy compromise with both of us. The differing dynamics between us heightens our relationship. It doesn’t hinder it.

A lot of people don’t seem to get it or they think either of us is not sincere in our submission or we are both secretly submissives. Or a whole heap of other bullshit. Why enter the world of BDSM if your mind is going to be closed in by so many of societies values? Hell, why do you complain when people don’t respond well to your dynamic but spout a heap of bullshit about others?

I think it is time for another rant blog about that, actually. lol

Protocol & Rules in BDSM

Disclaimer: This is all my opinion and thoughts on the matter. I’m not an educator nor an expert in BDSM by any means. Read other sources and work out what works best for you, especially in regards to your dynamic.

As the Owner of My beloved S. I value rules and protocol highly. Does My beloved S love all My rules? Well, no. In fact, there are times when I am sure he wonders why I want something done a certain way. What he does like is the control that I am able to give him through these rules, protocols, and the punishments that come when they are not followed. It gives him a sense of peace and control.

What sort of things can limit how protocols and rules are done? Well, illness or a tragic event. If My beloved S is not well I will ask him if he is up to a scene or to the tasks. I have to trust him that he will not lie and he has to trust that I always have his best interests at heart. At the moment, his family situation means that he is unable to completely devote himself. In time, he will be able to.

A lot of the time the rules and protocols are tied to limits (hard and soft), expectations, and these are discussed prior to a scene taking place. In my experience, do not deal with a Dominant or a submissive who does not want to know these things. Personally, I like to have these things in writing before going into any scenes. I want to know health concerns (mental or physical), about their goals and kink philosophy is, whether they understand consent and safety words, and well, whether they are a fucking psycho or not.

Trying to work out protocols that fit with both of our schedules and comfort levels has been a challenge. Learning the difference in how the both of us think has been interesting. My beloved S loves protocol, control, and his submission. While I don’t relate to that sort of thing.