Reflection: My understanding of submission.

I love to sit and reflect on the past.

I probably do it too often. It can’t hurt to look back and see how far I have come. I talked with my S about things the other day. One of the things that stood out to me was how I viewed submission, and how it was beneficial. I didn’t realise that former me even really had this bias. However, I totally did.

A part of me wondered why S craved and needed it so badly. Even when I took ownership of him, a part of me still wondered whether this was a good thing for him. There were times when I even wondered whether I could do it.

Submission is what he needs.

He is submissive.

It is where his soul is happy.

It is where he is happiest. It is, well, it where his soul is where it is supposed to be.

This isn’t for everyone. No-one should be pressured into submitting to someone they don’t want to. It also brought up how I viewed my Domination. I’m happier when I am in the Dominant role within a relationship. It is where I am happiest and strongest. Besides not being ready. I think that was a lot of issues with my previous relationships. Although that is another large and ranty blog about a range of things, lol.

Being vulnerable to your partner is not a sign of weakness. I love when we switch although this is natural for us.

Before My beloved S, I don’t think I really understood it before and this, is perfect.

We laugh, play games together, watch movies, chat about anything and everything, yet with a click of My fingers. It all changes. My beloved S is always Mine. Always. Yet the protocol level changes.

I am so incredibly blessed.

Advertisements

Switches can’t be Dominant.

Do you like my clickbait as fuck title? 😉

I utterly disagree with the subject. Switches can be Dominant, and some of the best Dominants I have ever encountered have been switches.

I’ve received some comments on and off about switches not being Dominant or not fitting into an idiot’s limited view of Domination. If some of them read through my blog entries they would be able to see that they questions had already been answered, several times, in fact. I’ve been into BDSM in varying degrees since I was about sixteen. Yes, I was underage and no I absolutely do not recommend it to anyone.

Switches can be Dominant.

Switches can be submissive.

Why is it so hard for people to understand that people can be variable? They don’t need to fit into little boxes to suit your limited world view. Every switch is different. Just like every Dominant is different. And every submissive is different.

 

Here is a loose summary of some different switches that I have met over the years.

  • Some sub to only one partner.
  • Some Dom only one partner.
  • Some are submissive to one gender yet Dominate with another.
  • Some are submissive to a particular race.
  • Some are Dominant for certain kinks and others are submissive.
  • Some switch about 50% of the time.
  • Some lean towards Dominant.
  • Some lead towards submissive.

 

Now there are a variety of reasons why some people switch. Here are some that I have heard and I would like to share. To be fair, some of these could be applied for topping/bottoming as well and there is some overlap.

  • It is a need they have.
  • They are able to learn fresh skills and get refreshers for various things.
  • It helps them get into their submissive’s head better.
  • Denying one part of themselves would be lying about who they are.
  • They do not like the restrictive mindset that some kinksters have and are open to a variety of experiences.
  • It feels right for them.

 

This isn’t quite the same thing. I have heard that some people think that were submissives cannot make good Dominants. I can understand while some Dominants don’t align with being submissive, and that is perfectly okay. Again. Why limit other people to your own view of the world? I think part of this comes from an ignorant standpoint about how submissives are viewed.

A baby wears size 00 clothes and it fit for them. No-one in the right mind would expect an adult to wear it. So why do people try to put a label on them that has not fit for some time?

It makes absolutely zero sense.

Growth and change is a thing.

Okay… I swear, no more ranting today.

Switching it up.

I’ve been having some issues when it came to my submission of late. It had not been used or utilised. My beloved S and I have been struggling to find the right time to switch, things were not matching up, and it caused considerable friction for us. We had heartfelt discussion about things. It was nice and like a breath of fresh air. S told me that he did not want for his Dominance or my submission to disappear. Both of those things were important to him.

We brought up the struggles again and I told him a way he could look at it. He is taking care of me. He is serving me. He is doing the job that other people cannot do and he is by far the best person for the job. He told me it made him feel/sounded like a service top. It isn’t how I see him at all. He is my Owner. It is a technique he can use in order to get into the mental space that he needs to get into the zone.

The change that comes over him is incredibly sexy. There was a time when he did not embrace certain sides of himself. He becomes quietly confident. He is when he is submissive as well. Although it is a different type of confidence? A lot of Dominants will boost about their abilities to a point where they become nothing but a parody of Dominance. They sound like boasting little boys (or little girls) with absolutely nothing to back it up. I think that has been a lot of my problem with Dominants in the past.

I love seeing my beloved S when he is happy and serving him when I am this mindset. Although I admit, I like seeing him happy and growing with him in either one.

S has decided that I am submissive in our dynamic until further notice. It will be interesting to see how long he lasts. It has been a long time since there has been long term submission.

I feel more confident and happy in this side of myself again. Feeling accepted and embraced by your partner is vital. Although if I did not have patience and jumped the gun I may have stopped something that brings great amounts of pleasure to us both. Both of us needed that time. I am going to ask him sometime what brought the change in him sometime. It would be interesting to see what he has to say about it.

I have to say. This is the healthiest relationship that I have ever been in. Any issues or disagreements? There is discussion and healthy compromise with both of us. The differing dynamics between us heightens our relationship. It doesn’t hinder it.

A lot of people don’t seem to get it or they think either of us is not sincere in our submission or we are both secretly submissives. Or a whole heap of other bullshit. Why enter the world of BDSM if your mind is going to be closed in by so many of societies values? Hell, why do you complain when people don’t respond well to your dynamic but spout a heap of bullshit about others?

I think it is time for another rant blog about that, actually. lol

Protocol & Rules in BDSM

Disclaimer: This is all my opinion and thoughts on the matter. I’m not an educator nor an expert in BDSM by any means. Read other sources and work out what works best for you, especially in regards to your dynamic.

As the Owner of My beloved S. I value rules and protocol highly. Does My beloved S love all My rules? Well, no. In fact, there are times when I am sure he wonders why I want something done a certain way. What he does like is the control that I am able to give him through these rules, protocols, and the punishments that come when they are not followed. It gives him a sense of peace and control.

What sort of things can limit how protocols and rules are done? Well, illness or a tragic event. If My beloved S is not well I will ask him if he is up to a scene or to the tasks. I have to trust him that he will not lie and he has to trust that I always have his best interests at heart. At the moment, his family situation means that he is unable to completely devote himself. In time, he will be able to.

A lot of the time the rules and protocols are tied to limits (hard and soft), expectations, and these are discussed prior to a scene taking place. In my experience, do not deal with a Dominant or a submissive who does not want to know these things. Personally, I like to have these things in writing before going into any scenes. I want to know health concerns (mental or physical), about their goals and kink philosophy is, whether they understand consent and safety words, and well, whether they are a fucking psycho or not.

Trying to work out protocols that fit with both of our schedules and comfort levels has been a challenge. Learning the difference in how the both of us think has been interesting. My beloved S loves protocol, control, and his submission. While I don’t relate to that sort of thing.

 

 

Online D/s moving to RL D/s

I’ve already written about online Domination here. Check it out if you are interested how I choose to do it. There are many different styles and avenues of doing online D/s. Although that isn’t quite what this blog entry is going to be about. What happens when the online world begins to move into move into the real one?

For some people the online realm is a place of fantasy. With no intention or desire to expand outside it. But for some? It changes and evolves. There are a lot of differing opinions about whether or not it is worthwhile. That is a question only you can answer for yourself.

The transition for My beloved S and I is going to be great one. I own him already. He belongs to Me and he is mine. Yet there is an ocean between us. There are relationship issues and matters concerning child support with him. There are many smaller issues that will take time to be sorted out. You know, the more boring but essential things in life such as; bills, health insurance, and dealings with vanilla family members. There is a strong chance S’ son will be there at least some of the time. While my mother will likely live with us as she ages. Our relationship combines M/s and vanilla elements together.

Then there would be learning about all of his health concerns. Would he be willing to kneel at My feet of hours? Of course, and he would love too. However, My slave has bad knees to put into consideration for his health and well being.

What will happen will be a review of health and limits. Things will need to go slow in order to build up towards the goal of having a 24/7 dynamic. My slave (and I) have both been working on our physical and mental health so when we do meet each other for the first time we are ready.

Communication. Making sure the pair of you are on the same page is vital.

I also recommend that if you are planning on meeting someone to follow safety steps. This is not to prevent you from getting physically hurt but to understand what sort of thing is involved.

I have no doubt there will be extremely kinky moments. I already have plans on how I am going to train him to be My perfect slave. Although there will be a lot of love and tender moments. I’ve had some criticism for this. At first, this sort of thing would bother Me a lot. Like the discrimination that a lot of switches face although that is another journal entry that I could write a lot about. (And technically, I haven’t made a journal entry specifically about that and I hope to fix that sometime soon.)

I have already written up a preliminary draft of the protocols and rules I will expect him to live by as My slave. It is more likely it will start as more of a D/s than a M/s scenario until My S is ready for the change, and well, to make sure he has earned it!

Anyway, I have to focus on revising for this damn exam and getting my last assignment done. All the best everyone!

Female Led Relationship — Only way for me.

The recent months have been incredibly when it comes to our relationship, and I feel about things in general. I don’t think I could ever go back to a vanilla relationship again. In FLR, I am happy and I have grown through it. It feels normal. It feels right. If you had of asked me years ago whether this relationship is what I want. I would have said no or ummed and ahhhed about it. You know when you have that “ohhh now I get it” moment? I’ve had it.

I haven’t read my earlier entry about female domination in a while. Yet  those who are interested are welcome to view it here.

I’ve had issues with accepting some parts of it. I’m highly sentimental when it comes to the past. This growth does not and will never erase the past of the earlier parts of the relationship. I still consider myself to be a switch. Years ago it used to be 50/50. Now? It is more akin to 95% Dominant and 5% submissive. Part of accepting who I am has been a longer road than I previously thought. Where is My sub side now? Well, I’m not sure. A part of me was scared to lose the dynamic that was part of the reason why My beloved S and I got together in the first place. It is still there. I need to have some time to reflect on this. Part of taking care of this side of me is to keep me happy and pleased. Happy wife, happy life. As the saying goes.

I’ve noticed a change in the way I speak to him. I ask for his opinion and thoughts. Yet I am the one who sets the tone for the relationship. What I say goes. Since then we have both been happier. There are times when I make him do things I know he doesn’t necessarily want to do. The combination of feelings. I can hear the change in his voice when it happens.

The submission and the peace he feels through it.

His submission at times has amazed me, and at first, frightened me a little. Now? Not at all.

It is Mine and belongs to Me.

Developments in BDSM & life

This is rambly and will likely not make much in the way of sense. Many of my usual readers will know this already. 😛

I have thought more today about how I have developed in a Dominant role. The concept of ownership is no longer a strange or even a kink based one. It is simply as it is. It feels natural yet it is something that I work to develop as well.

This was strange, for a long time I had a habit of either going to extremes with my responsibilities. Going too far with my perceived obligation or fleeing from any responsibility out of fear of messing things up, or not being worthy. My beloved S used to insist that he wants to be trained to be My perfect slave. I would always tell him that he was already, and he would politely question it. I’m beginning to realise what he was getting at. A part of my personality wants to people please in a way. It may not be the best thing for a Dominant to say. I never want for My beloved S to feel bad about himself. I didn’t realise by saying something when it wasn’t true at this time could be taken as an insult. Not that S took it that way.

This goes back to communication and I feel some parts of the remnants of prior abuse. I lock up, worry, and truly forget to breathe. I has been something that I feel I will need to work on for sometime. My beloved S has told me that he wants/needs me to punish him when he disobeys or breaks protocol. Knowing he disappointed me feels worse for him. The punishment resolves things and it goes back to a clean slate. Now in the past for us to move on from. I think it is that part that the pair of us both like the most. There isn’t a sneaky, holding it over a person’s head that can happen in other relationships. Not all relationships (D/s/M/s or otherwise) are like ours. This is how we both find things.

Slowly but surely we are moving towards making our relationship forward. S’s situation makes things difficult. There is a vindictive person involved in the relationship who will likely try to damage the relationship with the child, possibly will overreact and who has already tried to sabotage S’s friendships/relationships. A child. One of us would have to move and working out where, when, etc is tricky without bring BDSM into things.

I have never met anyone who is more funny or who I can have such deep conversations with. Yes, this is me getting excited and all swoony.

Each role during this process gives us both peace and happiness. It gives us structure to follow. This is sounding pretty cheesy but fuck it. I have never met anyone who calms me down, fires me up, inspires me, supports me, loves me as I am and utterly encourages my growth. We have our moments and our trials.