Dominant red flags

I’ve already touched on this before although I was thinking about it today after watching Brittany Simon’s video on BegforJay. And I have already spoken about some of these with the following links; here, wait, it was just one.

Jay reminded me of a Dominant that I had years ago. So I thought I would post a list of my red flags from Dominants. Please note; that one or two of these things does not necessarily mean that someone is abusive or not educated in BDSM. These are mostly based on my experiences.

Some of these things could in theory be negotiated in specific scenes or with partners that have been together for a long time.

  • Lies. Usually about small things.
  • Loves to gaslight you.
  • Will try to control things that are outside what has been negotiated for. E.g. Trying to pressure you to send intimate pictures, for example.
  • Threatens to shame or humiliate during a break up.
  • Cheats on their partners (usually a vanilla partner).
  • Does not allow the submissive or partner to give proper informed consent.
  • Wants to rush things.
  • Does not want someone to learn from a variety of sources and make their own opinion.
  • Ignores safety words.
  • Mocks the use of safety words.
  • Is unwilling to learn or to accept any form of criticism.
  • Does not believe in negotiating for scenes.
  • Does not respect safety words.
  • Has deep seated issues with misandry or misogyny.
  • A sense of unearned entitlement. E.g. Believes all women are submissive to them.
  • Tries to force or shame their kinks onto others.
  • Does not believe in safe sex.
  • Does not want or expect to negotiate for scenes.
  • Does not believe or do aftercare.
  • Blames everyone else for their problems.
  • Does not want to work in improving themselves.
  • Tries to “groom” other Dominants into serving them.
  • Does not want to learn or to expand their skills.
  • Does not believe in mentorship or learning.
  • Is neglectful of their submissives.
  • Will randomly disappear out of the blue with no explanation.

 

There are more but I will always be adding more. Feel free to add your own or to say what you think about the whole BegforJay situation. 🙂

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The slave prayer

I recently assigned My beloved S to write his slave prayer. I instructed him to search others for some loose guidelines and to come up with his own version of it. My beloved S exceeded my expectations. When I read it I had tears in My eyes. I asked My slave if he was comfortable sharing it with everyone and he agreed.

Here it is.

My Daily slave Prayer to my Domina

In Her presence do i feel love.

In Her cage do i gain peace.

Through Her chains do i gain security.

Through Her discipline do i learn obedience.

Through Her humiliating me do i learn humility.

Through Her Protocols do i learn structure.

Through Her guidance do i mature.

Through Her pleasure do i know joy.

Through my submission my heart is forever collared to You my Domina.

i am but a mould. You are the sculptor. i give myself to You freely and completely to serve You as Your will demands.

i am Your loving slave. i love You with all my heart, body, and soul my Domina now and for all time.

 

 

This is deeply meaningful for me. My slave is to recite this every morning and every evening, right before he goes to sleep. At the moment, he is still learning it so he can complete the daily set of tasks and I hope it helps him in his submission to Me. Every day this style of relationship suits us. I’ve said this before. I don’t think I understood this lifestyle as completely as I do now. The more he has been submitting the happier he has been with much of his life. We are both at ease. This prayer is one of the many symbols of his submission to Me.

What about it do I love?

I love how he wrote it. I love how it is personalised for us and our M/s relationship.

I love reading it.

I go over it and think more on it.

I was thinking about writing an Owner’s promise to him. It isn’t something I have heard of before. Yet I think it would be inspiring for Me to keep seeing it regularly.

I have more inspiration for more blog entries.

Why does this always come during uni time? lol

The Vanilla and Kink divide

I’ve already written about how I tend to shelter a lot of my vanilla family and friends from my kinky side. And wrote about how much they should know. Feel free to go and have a read if you haven’t done so already.

Today I was thinking more on it and the mental differences I have between the pair of them. Along with some of the reasons why I do this subconsciously. Keep in mind that I have relatively sex positive and I don’t shy away from sexual talk.

Vanilla

  • I don’t talk about the kinkier aspects. Although this one can alter slightly if they’re asking about BDSM or have general questions.
  • Friendzoned. No sex ever.
  • I likely met them through non-kinky means.
  • Once you’re in this zone. Congratulations. You will be here foreveeeeeeeeeeeeer.

 

Kinky

  • You are mostly kept apart from my vanilla side of things unless I know for sure you can keep your mouth shut to my vanilla people.
  • Sexual activities/deeper talk is likely/possible.

 

There are some differences. For example; My beloved S is in both of those worlds, and will continue to be. I think some of the past concerns that I have had have been with the safety of my loved ones (which shows some of my concerns about the individuals I was associating with at the time), and the happiness of being able to have two separate worlds. Each place gave me a sense of relaxation from the other and both of them are equally important to me.

Is this normal with a lot of people or is this something that I experience?

You know, I coooould dominate you……

I’ve got to stop with these clickbait subjects. Seriously, break my fingers.

Part of being a switch (or even a Domme) is the people who try to sneaky weasel themselves in to try to dominate you. Usually these people are male although there is a female variety, too. Sometimes they’re experienced or they have discovered this side of their kink and haven’t quite learned that they are not entitled to everyone’s submission.

Do they not realise that not only is it cringey as fuck but causes them to look so insecure with their dominance that they need to try to spread it where it is a) not wanted, b) not needed, and finally, c) no, get the fuck out, Jeff.

** Note. I’m not targeting any Jeffs.

 

There was some general conversation before this. Nothing of note and most of this is paraphrasing, but anywho.

Douchey Dom: You know, I could dominate you in a scene. In fact we could have it right now.

Me: I only sub to My beloved S (or s).

Douchey Dom: Ah.. well, I see you still sub. I’m available whenever you’re free. I have some free time right now.

Me: I’m not interested and I made it clear that I wasn’t.

Douchey Dom: Oh I know, I’m offering and I hope you will reconsider. I have a fully stocked dungeon and I think you will make a delicious sub.

Me: ….. Are you serious? I politely declined twice. I’m not interested. I will never sub to you. Your hints are pathetic, and need to stop.

Douchey Dom: Why are you being so mean to me? I only asked. You don’t have to be such a bitch. You are fake! -insert four paragraphs of more angst and whining than an emo kid back in the day on their myspace-

^^ This gif looks so much like one of them. I had to post it.

 

Here are other reactions that are fitting. This also seems to be a feature in modern dating, too. Can’t people grow the fuck up for two minutes?

(Yes, I want to use some gifs. I can’t help myself.)

 

 

 

Why do people not respect boundaries or value friendships or simple discussions about BDSM? If someone can’t accept a polite declination, how the fuck are they going to handle a scene negotiation? Conversations on limits? Understanding of aftercare and support?

There are good people out there.

But fucks sake, you need to sift through the crap to find them sometimes.

I’m still around!

I thought I would share a rather belated blog post. I have been busy lately. So what have I been up to lately?

My birthday has gone by recently so I have been socialising and enjoying myself more. It was lovely. I came to some quiet realisations about what I wanted out of life, and how I need to take the necessary steps to take them.

I’m continuing with my studies. They are going well although I need to focus and read a lot more than I used to. Unfortunately that means there is overall less time to devote to my blog than I would like. I tend to gain a lot of inspiration to write around the time an assignment is due though. 😉

I’m working on starting up a business. Thus far, the planning stage is having a range of mixed results. All part of learning and developing an idea. And well, ideas are pointless in the end because people value action and being able to witness results.

Noooow for the kinky stuff. 😉

My beloved S and I are still going strong. Tasks are still being set and completed, there are a lot of plans being made and deep conversations. He has told me that he has never felt so submissive before and well, it matches. I have never felt so dominate before either.

So hopefully you will be seeing more posts from be soon.

Reflection: My understanding of submission.

I love to sit and reflect on the past.

I probably do it too often. It can’t hurt to look back and see how far I have come. I talked with my S about things the other day. One of the things that stood out to me was how I viewed submission, and how it was beneficial. I didn’t realise that former me even really had this bias. However, I totally did.

A part of me wondered why S craved and needed it so badly. Even when I took ownership of him, a part of me still wondered whether this was a good thing for him. There were times when I even wondered whether I could do it.

Submission is what he needs.

He is submissive.

It is where his soul is happy.

It is where he is happiest. It is, well, it where his soul is where it is supposed to be.

This isn’t for everyone. No-one should be pressured into submitting to someone they don’t want to. It also brought up how I viewed my Domination. I’m happier when I am in the Dominant role within a relationship. It is where I am happiest and strongest. Besides not being ready. I think that was a lot of issues with my previous relationships. Although that is another large and ranty blog about a range of things, lol.

Being vulnerable to your partner is not a sign of weakness. I love when we switch although this is natural for us.

Before My beloved S, I don’t think I really understood it before and this, is perfect.

We laugh, play games together, watch movies, chat about anything and everything, yet with a click of My fingers. It all changes. My beloved S is always Mine. Always. Yet the protocol level changes.

I am so incredibly blessed.