Questions for My beloved s

Question time!

I have decided it would be interesting for people to post questions to My beloved S. He is my slave, partner, Master, and more. He is also a switch and I think it would be interesting to share his thoughts.

Feel free to comment with your questions for him!

These questions can be BDSM related and I’m interested in seeing what you all come up with for him. 😉

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Three day quote challenge: Day One

Mastering others is strength. Mastering yourself takes true power.” Lao Tzu.

I have seen many Dominants promote themselves with no self-control or effort to improve themselves. They focus on mastering others, yet are always lacking in themselves. I strive always to improve myself and to master the negative parts of my personality. It is an endless battle but one worth fighting.

Thank you to barefootsub for nominating me. I appreciate it.

Rules:

  • Thank the person who nominated you.
  • Post a quote for three consecutive days (1 quote for each day).
  • Share why this quote appeals so much to you.
  • Nominate 3 different bloggers for each day.

 

Nominations.

I would like to nominate the following people.

Letter to my 19 year old self

A remotely serious blog post but with an absolutely ridiculous gif. 😛

I thought more about what I would say to my nineteen year old self during a bout of depression. I wonder, what would my 40 or 50 year old self say to me now? Probably something about still being young and not giving up on my dreams. No matter how hard they happen to be.

So here goes.

 

 

Dear nineteen year old Clio,

I wish I could have gone back in time to speak to you. In many ways, I wish I could have spared you a lot of the pain you will experience although if you didn’t end up going down that path. In some ways, I wouldn’t have the knowledge that I do now. You had already endured a lot of betrayal and hurt, yet you handled it pretty well considering. Before things took a turn you had made considerable efforts to improve your life and move forward.

You were a sexy and god damn, such an arrogant person at times.

You were lonely when you met him. He gave you the so called unconditional love you always wanted. He made you feel good about yourself. Although he brought out your ego, selfishness, greed, laziness, and cruelty towards others — but especially yourself. You don’t need this man. He is not the be all and end all. His praise of you is nothing but hot air. He is trying to separate you from your family and your friends.

He is trying to separate you from your joys and hobbies. Trying to mold you into a twisted version of himself. It is only years later you will realise those spirits were trying to protect you. Not harm you.

You can’t save him. He loves the power he has over you. He loves belittling your writing because he is incapable of writing anything so creative himself. He is a leech. And he is also not your problem. His threats of suicide and self-harm are to try to control you. He won’t respect you. He doesn’t respect himself. He will get inside your head, twist it, and bring out your past. He wanted you to be completely dependent on him. Deep down you can see him for what he truly is. Unfortunately it took him for you to realise what kind of person he is, and to watch out for them.

Your recovery will take a lot longer than you believe. In fact, after it ended. You didn’t think you would be sick or could be. You’re in your early twenties now. Keeping him around is not a sign of strength. The sooner he is gone. The better.

Taking time to recover health wise will also take a long time. Far longer. You will have nightmares for many years. You need to acknowledge the range of mental illnesses this repeated trauma has given you. You’re stronger than you realise. You will get through this.

Don’t forget your hobbies or things that gave you joy. In darker times they are what ultimately pulled you through. Your family and friends are important, too. Spend all the time you have with your father. You don’t have the time you think you do. Same with your mother although that is something I need to keep in mind for myself.

Ultimately, remember, you can get through this.

I wish I had something far more positive to tell you. I wish I could tell you that you’re married, with kids, a vibrant career, and everything you ever dreamed. But it would be a lie. You’ve been lied to enough. You don’t deserve it from me too. Things have been a struggle and recovery has been one of the hardest things I have had to do.

Keep going and as you do, so will I.

Love,

A thirty year old and a little wiser, Clio.

 

 

Sticking labels on others

I should be sleeping right now. My brain is wide awake and I’m multitasking on the uni work I am slightly behind on, and writing this.

Labels are something that can help you to identify things. They are associated with certain people, behaviours, traits, and more. I have seen people try to bully others into accepting a label. (Usually telling someone they are a submissive because they are magical and somehow know). I am not too sure what the situation was. However, I saw a woman imply that a Domme in the early stages of her journey was a sub, and was not respecting the responses that were given. With snotty responses in return and when I came back they had been deleted.

Again, I do not know what it was about or if I was looking too far into it. However, it has been something that has irritated me for some time. Therefore I have to rant about it because that is how I roll. 😉

Mind your own damn business.

Telling someone what their identity is and without them asking is creepy. A blog is for personal thoughts, fears, aspirations, and they tend to be quite raw. You see more flaws in a blog than you likely would otherwise. Doubts and negativity seem to be highlighted. It is often the inner thoughts that they are venting, trying to work things out and sort through it all.

Think to yourself. Are you a friend? A mentor? Someone with an interest in helping someone grow? Or are you trying to flatter your ego? Are they trying to force their view of you on you? Possibly even force a Domme to her knees to submit to you because you are the best Dom/me ever and know all the secrets of their heart and soul.

Yes, that was oddly specific. And yes, an idiot told me that at one point.

The term submissive (and shortened versions & s-types) are not insults.

When I see a Dom/me or a Dominant leaning switch or whatever attempt to intimidate someone using this (or trying to). I wonder about how much respect they have truly have for their subs. Consensual humiliation aside. How arrogant does someone have to be to belittle someone? Submission is a choice.

It is bullying. I also have to wonder whether see BDSM in a cliche relationship that you see in porn. Usually I do not get along with these types of people for obvious reasons.

The word “true” thrown around.

I’ve had negative experiences associated with this phrase.

I have found people use it to restrict other people through their views. You are a “true” submissive. Usually this is said by someone who is trying to manipulate. I had a Dominant try to tell me that my “true” state was a submissive and I was fighting who I “truly” was. I was going through a long period of illness and dealing with the loss of a family friend. Actually, I have a feeling I’ll do a blog post on this, too.

Anyway,

There are different reasons why someone may or may not be very “deep” into their submission at this point.

  1. You might not be the right Dominant for them.
  2. They may have other commitments.
  3. They may be in the wrong time during their life.
  4. They are still learning about themselves.

There may be issues that someone is having with their ability to Dominate, as well.

  1. Illness or other forms of outside strain.
  2. The wrong submissive for them.
  3. Wrong time in their life.
  4. Misinformation.
  5. Still learning what type of a Dom they are/aspire to be.

There are likely many more, too.

Possible harm?

I think doing this sort of thing is harmful because it removes someone’s autonomy over themselves and their identity. Potentially it could limit their desire to try new things. This lifestyle and people are not stagnant. Things alter and change in time.

Again, I also think it is particularly arrogant.

When can you say something?

I think if consent has waned and the person is being taken advantage of or there is abuse being carried out. Absolutely. In my experience, it has usually been people with narcissistic personality traits who tend to try to force labels on people without their consent. If people need to see for their own well-being, that is understandable yet keep your ego in check.

Don’t stick any label on them.

I think if you are a trusted friend you could ask them questions. It is not your place to tell them who and what they are. It is part of the journey they need to learn for themselves. Ask the person what they think. They likely know but they are on the journey of their own.

 

For submissives entering the lifestyle – 1

It is exciting to get into.

I decided to make this a bit of series if I come up with more or want to address anything. I think it could help some submissives, and please, consult other guides for information to get a well rounded view of it. There is always a chance you will understand them better, or I may have overlooked something.

Maybe you have fantasised about it for sometime? Hell, even since childhood. Maybe you read the infamous 50 Shades and became curious about it. Maybe you want to try something completely new? Different from your usual self. Maybe you’ve played a little with a partner and want to advance further in D/s?

I’m in no way an expert on the subject. This is also coming from the experience of a Dominant leaning switch who have had some rocky experiences in the past.

 

Inner Reflections?

Before anything happens. I think you need to do some inner reflections into yourself. I recommend getting a journal (whether online or not) to try to piece things together. You can also make notes about individuals you encounter, personal growth and developments, potential blunders, etc.

 

Firstly, what do you want to get out of the experience?

Only you can answer this.

This could be answered quickly or take some time for you to answer.

I’m not including consensual slaves in this. Personally I believe that this isn’t something you should consider for at least three years in the lifestyle. Some people will never be slaves. I’ll address this more in a later entry.

 

What are your Limits?

Please don’t tell me that you have none. You do.

An abusive predator would take this as full rein to run wild because it demonstrates inexperience. What is out of bounds for you? If it is online based, is RL an option? Do you have any medical things to consider? Past trauma? Is photography or recordings out of the question?

These are divided into soft and hard limits.

Soft are limits that can be tested (although for me, only one person is able to try to push these). However, there are usually set terms for this. I’ll go into more detail into these at a later time.

Hard limits are set in stone.

If a Dominant does not respect your limits. Get the fuck out. Not to mention your safety word.

 

What are your needs?

Everyone has them.

Do you want someone you need with once in a while? Something with the prospect of developing into something more long term? Online only but with voice? Or focused on the real world? Do you need to prevent a spouse knowing details about it?

This is something to consider.

 

What interests you?

Do you like the idea of being spanked? Gagged? Being controlled by another person? Forced bisexuality? The list is numerous. Make a list, fantasize and think about it. Write it down and ponder it. Do you like the idea of pain? No pain? Again, these could be part of your limits.

Some of the things you will need to build up to. Such as; a caning, etc.

 

Munch vs Online

For the more shy, online is a way you could meet potential Dominants without the physical side of things. However, a munch lets you look them in the eye right away and get a feeling for them. Note with either one, you are not obligated to meet someone right away. Hell, you aren’t obligated to meet anybody at all.

Your submission is a choice and a gift. It is your decision to make.

There are several sites that are available. Alt.com (I was on it when I was 18-20. No idea what it is like now) and I was on fetlife.

 

I will stop here. I haven’t quite decided what entry I will do but I hope it was a good read. This is pretty basic and will likely have edits, additions, and all sorts of things done to it.

A strong foundation

I was talking to some friends today about D/s or M/s. Some of them were vanilla, some dabbled in kink, and others had left it entirely.

It got me thinking about the sort of Dominant/Owner I wanted to be. I still have considerable amounts to learn. I’m a long way off reaching my full potential. I’m okay with this. Growth and things take time. I find there is a lot of stigma associated with being new (or even getting back into things, in my case) and people tend to want to jump into things. Things take time to develop. There was a competitive nature almost to what they have described. I didn’t think of it at the time but it would be interesting to ask them specifically what the issues were. What would have helped? Was it also their inexperience in selection the right Dominant for them? I’m not victim blaming there. You do learn about red flags, etc. However it takes time to learn these. Learning how to do this away from a strong support network is incredibly dangerous.

Even moreso when you’re support network around you validates abusive behaviour or ignores concerns raised by the community.

My beloved S (and I) has experiences with dealing with Dom/mes rushing into things. We met through a Master who was so far in over his head it was laughable. He did not understand aftercare and nor did he understand many safety issues. This was not a rare event. This was relatively normal.

I’ve known subs who have left BDSM from the abuse of dealing with an inexperienced Dominant who did not have the experience to realise they were pushing a submissive too far. Some of these returned to BDSM while others were that negatively impacted by the experience they do not wish to continue in any form.

I tend to rant most about Dominants.

 

A good foundation.

The buildings that are the strongest have a well planned and constructed foundation.

I am finding myself more unwilling to rush ahead with my development. I want to enjoy the learning process. Not everyone is like me although I feel for safety it is important for Dominants to learn as much as they can. I don’t want to rush my relationship with S, and I do not have a choice due to the physical distance between us.

Fucking timezones

I haven’t posted for a while. I started a few blog posts although I thought I would do a quick catch up. I have a couple about negative experiences in BDSM, relationship advice (or well, thoughts), and frustrations about improving my health.

Timezones are killing us right now. One of us has to stay up late to spend time with the other. I have assignments, trying to get my business off the ground, working on trying to lose weight, organise savings/financial plans, and move forward with things. I have to stay up later to get some time with him (as does he with me). During the day is when we get a lot of time together although it can be frustrating when I have a lot to do.

Everything all comes at once. It always does. It will pass but the current is pretty sucky at the moment.

I’m looking forward to when our timezones connect up so one of us isn’t staying up late or I’m having to reschedule work at night. I get tired and I regularly burn myself out if I don’t keep an eye on it. I have high standards and unfortunately I usually end up being frustrated with the people around me.

Does anyone have any advice for people in long term relationships? Or ideas?