Enabling abuse.

Enabling abuse.

This is still off-topic from many of my usual blog entries. However, I’m sure you will manage a few on mental health issues and my personal growth outside the sphere of BDSM. I have seriously looked over the past couple of days how some of my behaviour has enabled abuse/or abusive situations in the past. I’ve looked at the reasons, my responses, what the fear was at the time, the source of the behavioural pattern, and how I can overcome it in the future.

The reasons.

I am a fairly assertive person with the sort of treatment that I accept from people. The issues for me often come from people who are already in my circle. These people I am close to and ultimately want the best for. I want to see them happy and successful in life. Unfortunately this means that I am vulnerable to manipulation and attacks from within. At times, I can be overbearing with my assertiveness, and I will do my best to avoid being pushy with people or hurt them. So, I would tone it down in order to try to be nice.

My responses.

I learned to compromise with friends on a lot of things. My best friend and I have an excellent friendship. We are both stubborn, strong-willed, and absolutely prefer to do things our own way. That being said, we will both try to compromise to find something that works for us both.

When I have been told by an ex that I wasn’t being nice or overly jealous. This is after his father told me that I was a c*nt and to get him a drink and me telling his father that behaviour was fucking out of line. Or when he purposely kissed a friend of mine (and got a slap from my friend for the effort). All of these things were a slow and gradual attack on my otherwise fairly healthy boundaries.

Encouragement to “be nice” and be supportive were problems for me.

What the fear was at the time.

I didn’t want to be a nasty or a controlling person. I lowered my boundaries (that left me open to a range of abuse), and I didn’t want to lose him. I loved him, and yet there is a nagging niggle. I knew deep down something was up. When I first met the guy I had my first panic attack.

Your body will warn you about someone long before you accept the fact.

The source.

Essentially, having sexual abuse as a child. That is not an excuse to accept bad behaviour from anyone and it is a sign of what could happen when people have authority over you. My immediate family have always been quite sane, loving, and supportive with things they knew about. It was a slow… slow process.

I was worried that it would upset my parents if they found out.

I was worried my Dad would murder him and go to prison.

I was worried they would think less of me.

To overcome it.

Learning your boundaries and enforcing them.

Be willing to walk away from negative people. This was something I was taught was weakness. It is a strength to be able to walk away from people who are toxic. You can handle being alone, it may be uncomfortable but you can handle it.

Use your support network for help — do not isolate yourself.

Realise you are strong and resilient.

Other thoughts.

I don’t typically consider most people to be good or evil. I do think most people are opportunistic, regardless of what they say.

I also think it’s possible for abusive people to have positive personality traits, and they may be bad for you.

Fantasies vs Reality

This is going to be a short one. Unfortunately I have been busy with uni work of late. However, I thought I would write something at least.

 

Fantasies vs Reality

Fantasies are incredibly fun. You can imagine things that are exciting (and often dangerous), free from inhibitions that you may experience in real life, and combined with masturbation can teach you a lot about yourself. I’ve spoken with friends who struggle to orgasm with a partner but climax when they are alone. In a fantasy, you are the director of it. You are in control. If you have body image issues you can imagine those erased for the time being. If you are injured or disabled, you no longer have to worry. A fantasy can be an effective tool for overcoming, and otherwise growing.

Fantasies in my opinion are healthy.

In some cases, they are things to try out and they are liberating. Taking steps to make a fantasy takes time, goals have to be set, and plans made. As small as they may be.

I have been taking steps to become my fantasy and live the life I truly want. The last four years have been quite a journey with recovery. I found a strength and courage that I never knew that I had. I am not a victim, and nor will I accept someone treating me like one. With My beloved s, I would not have been ready for him if he came into my life sooner. Despite the fact it would have given us more time together.

I am happier than I have ever been.

The girl in me died a while ago and the woman was able to be born.

Next entry, I will write about my fantasies and how I brought them into fruition.

The Switch — Equal parts.

The Switch

I am a proud switch. It has taken many questions, reflective moments, trials, and dealing with a lot of prejudice in order to reach this point.

I used to be a switch. 50/50. In the middle or thereabouts. Needing both the Domme and the submissive to feel balanced, happy, and ready to face the world. Over time, this has become closer to 70-80 in favour of Dominant over submissive. I have no shame in knowing my submissive side remains. I have My beloved s who has encouraged both to grow and develop in ways I could not imagine. I am his Domina, Owner, and Mistress. He is My property. Yet on the same side of the coin,  I am His slave, property, and completely His. I am blessed that I have someone who is not only supports me. But who will also share a rich vanilla life with as well.

What prejudices were there?

Oh.. oh… this could be its own topic.

I have heard switches referred to as “bossy submissives” or “alpha submissives”. While that could be the case for some. It is not universal. That denies My Domme side, something I do not appreciate nor do I like someone else try to identify who I am.

I have known Dominants who have wanted to try switching and felt the need to do it in secret or they may lose Dominant credibility. I have found this online as well. With several communities limiting switches access to Dominant groups, however, they were fine with them going to submissive groups. Because we all know that switches are secretly subs, right? -rolls eyes-

Most of the time it is assumed that switches are submissives in waiting or are in denial. I am unable to find the source of this prejudice. I have found Dominants realising they are submissives. I have found submissives realising they are Dominant.

Why is there such a heavy stigma against switches?

Is it that no-one can put you into a neat little box?

What benefits are there?

Besides filling a need?

I get a better understanding of my Domme side through embracing my submissive side. Seeing and experiencing things from an alternative point of view is important. I regularly get reminded of the feelings of obedience, submission, and putting aside my own will. It is not an easy task. I believe this makes me a far better Domme.

Each submissive and Dominant has different needs. However, I experienced how some Dominants are terrible —  I know never to make that mistake ever again. I also know never to make any decisions about how it would potentially damage a submissive.

Both sides improve and hone the opposite side.

What are the downsides?

Sometimes it is difficult to work out what side I am thinking with at the time. I call this the “greyzone”. I can feel unbalanced, upset and often frustrated during this time.  I find submitting difficult and leading awkward. This is usually a time when I need to relax and reflect. Communicating what the problem is can be difficult so I do my best. It is something I still need to work on.

 

How much should they know? — Vanilla family, friends, etc.

This has been a topic on my mind lately. Instead of writing about how I am a proud  switch,  I thought I would take some time to ponder this question and share my thoughts with the interwebs.

I currently do not have any small children in my immediate family. I do have a niece who is a couple of months old. Other than that? As I said, many of my family members are adults and nor would I consider them to be overly conservative. That being said, I do not feel comfortable going into my kinks with them. My Mum was aware of kinks when I was nineteen when she found my crop (non-horse riding), blindfold, whip, rope, and a few other odds and ends. She joked about it. When I told her that I was in the Dominant role she was uncertain but okay. When I told her later on that I subbed that turned into concern. Later on, it stopped being discussed altogether.

My sister knows, although I have never told her any details. My best friend would like play at times with a partner but otherwise is vanilla, and admittedly, she has some biases concerning the lifestyle.

Otherwise? I have noticed that I have subconsciously separated many of my vanilla friends to my kinky ones. It is strange. I wouldn’t consider myself to be a secretive person by any means.

Part of my reason to keep it away from my vanilla friends is that I don’t want to worry them. Understandably, I have had negative experiences in the past and they have reason to be concerned. Within D/s there have been several instances of Dominants being abusive, even serial killers posing as Dominants in order to take and abuse victims, and the possibility of the slut shaming if it comes out. If they have any questions I am happy to answer as best I can.

Part of my reason why I do not live the lifestyle 24/7 is that I feel I am not that way inclined, at least, not at this stage of my journey. Maybe never. I am okay with that. It doesn’t make me any less into BDSM.

BDSM is about consent.

I am wary of showing this sort of thing to people who have not chosen to consent.

My Dominant side — Part Two.

This is a continuation of my earlier post.

I feel I cut myself off too soon when I still had so damn much to say. I finished the previous post with what I wish I knew from before, now I want talk about what I have learned and I how the process has helped me to heal. I feel complete. A feeling I have not had for many years after struggling through mental illness, abuse, and all sorts of trials that I could reclaim my Dominant side. I was not ready before.

What I learned about my Dominant side?

She is an Empress. A Queen regnant. A ruler in her own right without a King by her side. A Domina. She is resilient, brave, faced adversity and came out on top. She wants to learn more. She cherishes and protects those under her care with the ferocity of a dragon. Yet at times she is perfectly happy to remain silent and watch a fool hang themselves with their own petty words. She is observant, understanding, yet has high standards for conduct, and patience.

Yet she does not try to dominate over those who do not wish it so. People who try are trying to fulfill a need they have. It is a problem, yet not mine.

Everyone is to be treated with respect.

I still do not feel entirely comfortable when submissives call her Miss. When I meet people I like to feel on an equal footing. If they choose to submit to me it is because they choose to.

I am only Domina to My beloved s.

What do I want to improve on?

Oh god.

Everything.

I want to learn more about My slave so I can guide him through this.  I want to learn more ways of aftercare, to prevent Domdrop, more ways to break and push him. I want him to feel safe in his submission — yet always wonder what is around the corner for him.

I want to battle My self-doubts that still linger in my ear. Something that negatively impacts My abilities as a Domme, and at times, My relationship with My beloved s. I want to learn to be the best possible Dominant. Not everyone will like Me, nor will they like my style, and that is okay. What I want is to be safe with My slave.

What do I hope for as a Domme?

To grow into the role yet never feel ashamed or allow others to impact My mood through their switch prejudices. My submissive side and My Domme side belong together in equal measure.

I hope to give My beloved s My best, and I expect it from him as well. There are many aspects to our relationship. Instead of complicating things,  I think it enriches us, and I look forward to developing more.

I want to develop my skills.

There is not finish line. It is a continuous process of learning and study.

My fears as a Domme?

A Domme is not meant to have fears or concerns. I think dehumanising Dominants in this way is harmful to everyone involved. I have heard lies like Dommes can never be sexually assaulted or harmed. Dom/mes cannot be manipulated. And worse.

They can.

They are human.

I fear that I may turn into an abuser. It breaks my heart to think of. After all, it is not an uncommon fate for those who have been abused to mirror their abuser. It stopped me from proceeding with my Dominant side before My beloved s.

I fear that I will somehurt hurt My beloved s in a way were we cannot recover from or  I hurt him. Or harm, rather. Especially any kind of lasting damage to his body and mind.  I am here to protect him from harm.

How My orgasms are different in Domme mode?

They are intense, raw, yet controlled, and without mercy. It feels, daresay, like the masculine side of my personality. It flows and brings relief, joy, however, instead of becoming more submissive…  I become more Dominant.

Moreso when My slave gets to earn the privilege of being the source of My pleasure.

How does Domdrop impact me?

I get tired, irritable, easily exhausted, angry at anything and everything. I no longer feel like myself. Sometimes I mistake it for a need to switch. Over time I have realised that this is not always the case.

 

Okay, that is enough for now. lol

 

My Dominant side.

My Dominant side.

I talked about my submissive side already. It has been quite reflective to write about these sides of myself. While I have a dominant nature, I am willing to listen and learn from others. A trusted friend can teach you a lesson. Something that comes up unexpectedly will be an incredible teacher — even negative experiences can be the best teachers once you have walked through them.

Dominant side before?

My Dominant side before My beloved s was different. In many ways I was still incredibly immature; I refused to give My collar because I couldn’t handle having the responsibility of caring for a submissive.  I was just able to manage or protect myself. How could I possibly care for a submissive? A part of me knew even then. A few came close, yet nothing developed from them. I had a hard time accepting that I was a switch.

Some people would tell me that I was an alpha sub or waiting for my “true” Master.

At the time, I began to wonder and question myself. What if I was wrong? During this time I had time to spend with Dominants, some did not have my best interests in mind, and others who were good.

I let my Domme side rest. Slowly she fell asleep inside me. I wasn’t ready for this side of myself.

 

Dominant side awakening?

I have high standards. Especially for those I care for, it is a double-edged sword, and I have found myself doubting myself when I overwhelm myself with my own standards. However, it gives me drive to improve myself.

S tried to get me to top him a few times. The bratty sub was perfectly happy to be cheeky, but nothing more.

We had a scene where s was put into pony play gear. Pony play is something I have always been giggly about, and I admit to having prejudices about it. S was interested in pony play. It may not be something that I was interested in, yet, it couldn’t hurt to try? We were both there with his ex Master. (In SL, My s is a woman). The ex Master put the bit gag in his mouth and yanked it hard. Sure, it was rp. Yet something in me woke up. I have worked with bio horses in the past. You need to be firm, kind, patient, unyielding, understanding, and never act out of anger. I corrected him sharply. Firmly. And made sure he knew that he was completely out of line.

My Domme side was back.

My s was blown away. As was I. Now what?

 

How am I as a Domme?

I am affectionate. Firm. I punish yet it never exceeds the ‘crime’. Patient. A Lady, disciplinarian, and also loving see My slave grow. I enjoy protocols, instructing My slave, and I have developed a taste for humiliation, pushing My slave, cuckolding, pony play, and much more. I also enjoy reading My slave’s thoughts and writing in a journal. He is incredible, everyday I am impressed with his growth and devotion to Me and to the lifestyle.  I have purpose now.

I still have more to learn. I do not believe a person ever stops learning. For me to practice self-care it no longer feels like a decadence or being self-indulgent. It is important for me to be in good health to guide, protect, and care for My slave. My priority.

My slave has given Me so much.

I am fairly monogamous by nature. When I am single,  I will run wild and take lovers. When I am in a relationship,  I am faithful and found poly relationships are not for me. Swinging? Perhaps. Although this is something I will need to reflect more on.

What do I wish I learned before?

I wish I learned about Domdrop. What it was and ways to combat it. I did not realise that it was a thing.

I wish knew that there were abusive submissives or people to avoid.  I like helping people, and people fed on this. With emotionally abusive people, I have a hard line when it comes to them for my own well being.

That there is no harm in asking for help.

There is no shame in being a switch. My Dominant side is valid. My submissive side is valid.

 

My submissive side

My submissive side

I asked about what sort of a topic I should write. A friend recommended that I write about my submissive side, and I was more than happy to oblige. Later on, I will write about my dominant side, and how they both come together for me as a switch. I find myself happier with my submissive side than I have ever been.

What kind of a sub am I?

It varies. To My beloved s, or in this case, my beloved S. I am a slave. When we switch, His will is the final law and it gives me feelings of excitement, fear, safety, and a happiness that I have never known prior. I tried with a babygirl/Daddy dynamic. Funny story, that was how S and I met to begin with. Now? It no longer fits. The thought of that dynamic makes me cringe for myself. Please note. This isn’t to shit on anyone else’s dynamic. For me, it no longer fits and is not an attack on you.

That being said; I love affection. I like knowing that I have done a good job. I love cuddles, kisses, and occasionally being on the cutesy side.

Like anyone, if I don’t respect the Dominant it is not going to happen. I have complied to other Dominants to make S happy in the past. As I said before, we were both under a female Dominant and S’ former Master. Both were awful. One apparently had a world of experience. I never saw it. And the other? Basically a roleplayer with deep seated misogynistic tendencies towards women.

I need to respect my Dominant.

I need to trust that they have my best interests at heart.

I used to be willing to play with random dominants both in RL and SL. Now? That longer fits. It makes me feel unfulfilled, exhausted, bored, and hostile towards D/s.

I want my S.

What kind of sub am I not?

A lot of people will talk about how they aren’t like other subs, (or Doms, or switches, etc). They talk about themselves like they are magical snowflakes. Diamonds in a sea of unwashed peasants. Oh the tragedy!

Every person is unique.

However, people with similar thinking patterns, outlooks on life, thoughts, tastes, etc will often be found together. It is normal. As is having different opinions. When you find your special someone. You two share chemistry, common beliefs, etc.

A bit off topic here but I found submissives that try to “rarify” themselves often find themselves being groomed by predators. Usually they have low self-esteem so they crave hearing how special they are, they aren’t like other subs who may have different needs, tastes, and wants. Oh no, they are the pinnacle of subness.

How I feel as a sub?

As a sub I feel tingles run through me. Like gentle waves of electricity when S takes   control over me. Slowly and surely, I feel a weight that has been lifted from my shoulders, there is a calm feeling of peace. It differs from my feelings as a Domme. Both sides are natural in some ways yet I need to hone in on others. Even my orgasms are different; deep, reaches the tips of my fingers and my toes, I am able to enter subspace easy with my S. I twitch, whimper, and it becomes primal.

In a way, I am free.

How do I enter the sub mindset?

The Domme in me is always stronger than the sub. The Domme needs time to calm down. Meditation, reflection, talking to my S about the switch, and being able to breathe. A scene during what I call the “Greyzone” where I am half in Domme mode and half in sub mode, usually does not bode well. My thinking pattern is out of sorts, and I am more likely to relapse during this time. S has made tremendous progress with me during this time. However, it is still best that there is time set for the grayzone.

Sub mode.

Sub mode for me is waiting. Entrusting him to make decisions. To have complete control during that time. Giving him the same trust that he gives me. There have been some scenes between us that have not gone right or ended badly. Yet, he wants to learn, he wants to help me, and has a natural talent for it.

The Sub slumbers.

I lean heavily towards my Domme side. As my beloved S leans towards his submissive side. Eventually either of us will need a switch back. The sub in me curls up nice and safe, refreshed and happy. Content and satisfied. Loving and trusting her S. The Master, Owner, and source of joy.

The Domme? She awakens. Refreshed, grateful, proud of them both, and ready to face the anyone.