The past couple of days have been terrible for me. I have a large final to get through and I am struggling with it.
S and I are at a tricky part in a our relationship. He went back to speak to one of the figures I have spoken about previously at that place I have spoken about. This one is his Mum figure who implied she would take him back under her collar if anything happened to us previously. He shot her down. Our conversations prior to this were about him finally cutting ties with that place. The amount of manipulation, toxicity, and emotional abuse was astonishing.
I can’t be around people like this. It is dangerous for my mental health and well-being.
S told me that she went over there to say hello to the Mum figure. I just… I still don’t understand why. He said it was an act of good faith with becoming friends with the Queen but.. before it was about cutting contact with these people? I’m confused. I was upset and I told him so. This has gone on over two days.
Am I blind to something or is now the time where I can see things so clearly?
We had switched over this week. I lost my submissive mindset and got yanked out of the mental space hard. I feel my Dominant side is not strong or worthy enough to protect him. He said he lost his submissive mindset towards me and I could not believe how much a few words could feel like a punch to the stomach. He tells me he loves me so much and we will survive this.
How could he be so blind when it comes to dealing with these people? I don’t understand it. I also don’t understand how my feelings could be so easily brushed aside.
I understand emotional attachments to people you have been close to. Even if they have been abusive. He told me that I opened his eyes and let him see what had happened. That I mean everything to him and that he loves me so much. Yet why keep going back to these people? I can’t.. I just don’t understand. I have cried everyday. I feel a change between us. Nothing I say or do feels like it is the right thing.
I feel so flat and defeated. I feel like I can see the cracks developing in the beautiful relationship we have both built together. Slowly they are getting deeper and deeper. I don’t know how to fix them or how to bring things back to the way they were. I wish I had of kept my mouth shut. But what good would that do? I need to be able to tell my partner, my beloved if I see something wrong and want to warn them. I have been in toxic and long term friendships before that I have needed to cut off for my own survival. Every single time I tried to go back and help. It only gave them opportunity to damage my other friendships and relationships at the time.
He doesn’t see it. Or maybe he does and doesn’t care. I don’t know. He told me that I could order him to move away from these people if it gets worse. But why does he choose this for himself? Why does he choose this knowing what it does? Why would he place me in that position when he already knows what my views on that place are? I understand that they were like RL family to him. Just… why does he keep tolerating these toxic people? It can be exhausting being on the lookout for their next fucking scheme. It’s worth it. Our relationship is. So why would he willingly put himself back in that position? He said before he was hurt that it felt as though I didn’t think he could handle it. These people have played him for a long time. He knows it. It is part of these people’s game to lure you in with a false sense of security. Should I have stayed silent and just let him fall that would have come eventually? Would that have been ethical or considerate? Would it have been the right thing to do. I, well, I don’t think it would have been.
I’m so confused. He brought up his ex to me as well. It was like a slap to the face.
I wish I could take back the past couple of days. Erase them completely. I feel like a part of my soul is gone.
I had a gut feeling that place and those people would stir up again. No matter how many times no matter how many people have confirmed and agreed with him about the place? He keeps going back for more.
I don’t know whether I’m doing the right thing. I am doubting every single move that I make. If I stay silent? How does that help us. If I say more it just … doesn’t seem to work and my words fall on deaf ears. Everything I say or do feels like the wrong thing. I start trying to bring back our old dynamic and routine, but it’s clear he doesn’t feel the same way.
I don’t know what to do.