Quick late updates.

I kept thinking I would write more and I didn’t end up doing it.

I got a distinction and came close to getting a high distinction, some of it was my lack of dedication to weekly work and that will need to change next year. It made me realise that I can be too compliant when it comes to achievement.

Christmas is getting closer, and I hope next year I will be able to spend it with My beloved S. Although there is a chance that it will be the Christmas after that.

I have been reading and researching more about narcissistic personality disorder, and other abusive personality types lately. It has been interesting topic, and I am interested to learn more. Books by Shahida Arabi have been extremely helpful.

I need to think of some new year resolutions.

I’ll post them when I think of them.

Education, happiness and other bits.

The other day I finished for the year. I am so damn happy because I was utterly over it for the time being, and now I have more time to do other things I would like to complete. For education, I was told by my tutor that I am a good candidate to do a Masters degree in Ancient History. I am going to do this. It was freeing to hear that I am capable of it and gave me renewed energy. I had a high school teacher who was highly negative towards me and repeatedly told me that I was not capable of doing university.

I hope that dickhead chokes on every damn essay I write from now on.

My beloved S and I are going well. A new scene and discussion caused our relationship to be renewed once more. In fact, I feel it is stronger now than it was before.

My fears were valid. Yet, I feel in some ways my fears overcame me. I need to refocus on learning about these sorts of behaviours and the people who have them. Again they have reared their heads and I think they are beginning to understand that their old behaviour will not work on me. Hell, they are beginning to realise that the old techniques they used to use on S are no longer working.

I have been thinking of goals for the new year coming up. I have thought of book ideas to get going and up and running. I think it is time for me to start.

Also! I have excellent news. My Beloved S is going to create and maintain a blog of his own. I will update you all and post a link to his blog when it is up. Feel free to follow him to see his side of our dynamic.

Overall, things are going well.

The Strongest Couples Have Uncomfortable Conversations — Thought Catalog

This is exactly what I needed to read today. These moments of conflict make us stronger as a couple. Communication in D/s is absolutely vital.

The strongest couples have uncomfortable conversations. They are open-hearted. Transparent. Brutally honest. They know their relationship is not going to end over one rough conversation. They know they are stronger than whatever issues arise. They believe in their love for each other. And they believe the only way to grow closer is to tell the…

via The Strongest Couples Have Uncomfortable Conversations — Thought Catalog

Growth and learning.

My beloved S and I have quarreled a few times since my previous blog was posted. We have a better understanding of things now, and finally, we are back to a better routine and closer to our previous dynamic. The process has been a learning one for me. I told him he could not keep shutting me up about this place or the people associated with it. He understood and apologised.

I still don’t think he understands the risks and the dangers of trying again with them. They know he is stronger now, unwilling to fall for their games, and now I wonder. How long will they bide their time? How subtle will they be? All I can do is trust My beloved S and believe in our relationship. Trust isn’t easy for me. A lot of my prior relationships have tarnished my trust, and he is willingly spending time with people he knows despise me. It also made me worry about a few things in our future and any issues that could come up. What if we’re together and he wants to try again with his son’s mother? What if we agree on something and then he overturns it? Hell, what else will he change without so much as a word to me?

It was a reminder of the power dynamic between us, and in truth, it isn’t in my favour. I only spoke to him about how this isn’t how partners work. I did not touch on how this impacts my Domination and our power exchange.

No matter how many people have told him that these people are emotionally abusive. He goes back for more. He said I opened his eyes to the abuse. Yet.. still goes back for more. I have read about emotional attachments and chemical bonds that happen with these sorts of people. He told me that he needs to handle them and bowing out his own way. I do understand this. He wants to be the one who finally tells them enough is enough and leaves on his own accord. It does make sense from a mental health point of view. Although I hope he will be wary to be love bombing stage they will no doubt give him. Plenty of attention, love, false promises, affection, etc.

A part of me wishes I was more positive about this for him. He keeps seeing this as a lack of belief in him. It’s not him. It’s them and their fucking bullshit that keeps coming up.

They will never be happy unless they have him under their control again, and I am completely out of the picture.

What has this lesson taught me? Everything in life is going to teach you something. I’m still not entirely sure. So far, he will tell me if there are any updates and if there is anything else that happens. Acceptance? No, well, I accept it and I don’t like it. I learned that my beloved S is willing to go against my wishes if he wants something. I have learned that it caused my Dominant side to strain, and that these people will always cause issues for us to some degree. I learned that I still have an urge to people please and push aside my well being for my partner. I learned that emotions run hot and that I need to insist on my thoughts and feelings to be heard. It is a need for me. I also learned that I still have a lot of insecurities when it comes to my Dominant side and in relationships in general.

I love him and I want to make this work. I believe in us, and I always believe in our dynamic. I am his Domina and he is My slave. i am also His slave and he is my Master. He is my partner in all things. All relationships have difficulties to overcome. Our scenes have gotten better again. We have gone back to our roots, and it seemed to work. Not quite there.

I need to do a lot more self-care to focus on helping my growth and well-being. I will be happy when this assignment is done so I can devote more time to creativity and to my health.

Choices, disappointment and a broken dynamic.

The past couple of days have been terrible for me. I have a large final to get through and I am struggling with it.

S and I are at a tricky part in a our relationship. He went back to speak to one of the figures I have spoken about previously at that place I have spoken about. This one is his Mum figure who implied she would take him back under her collar if anything happened to us previously. He shot her down. Our conversations prior to this were about him finally cutting ties with that place. The amount of manipulation, toxicity, and emotional abuse was astonishing.

I can’t be around people like this. It is dangerous for my mental health and well-being.

S told me that she went over there to say hello to the Mum figure. I just… I still don’t understand why. He said it was an act of good faith with becoming friends with the Queen but.. before it was about cutting contact with these people? I’m confused. I was upset and I told him so. This has gone on over two days.

Am I blind to something or is now the time where I can see things so clearly?

We had switched over this week. I lost my submissive mindset and got yanked out of the mental space hard. I feel my Dominant side is not strong or worthy enough to protect him. He said he lost his submissive mindset towards me and I could not believe how much a few words could feel like a punch to the stomach. He tells me he loves me so much and we will survive this.

How could he be so blind when it comes to dealing with these people? I don’t understand it. I also don’t understand how my feelings could be so easily brushed aside.

I understand emotional attachments to people you have been close to. Even if they have been abusive. He told me that I opened his eyes and let him see what had happened. That I mean everything to him and that he loves me so much. Yet why keep going back to these people? I can’t.. I just don’t understand. I have cried everyday. I feel a change between us. Nothing I say or do feels like it is the right thing.

I feel so flat and defeated. I feel like I can see the cracks developing in the beautiful relationship we have both built together. Slowly they are getting deeper and deeper. I don’t know how to fix them or how to bring things back to the way they were. I wish I had of kept my mouth shut. But what good would that do? I need to be able to tell my partner, my beloved if I see something wrong and want to warn them.  I have been in toxic and long term friendships before that I have needed to cut off for my own survival. Every single time I tried to go back and help. It only gave them opportunity to damage my other friendships and relationships at the time.

He doesn’t see it. Or maybe he does and doesn’t care. I don’t know. He told me that I could order him to move away from these people if it gets worse. But why does he choose this for himself? Why does he choose this knowing what it does? Why would he place me in that position when he already knows what my views on that place are? I understand that they were like RL family to him. Just… why does he keep tolerating these toxic people? It can be exhausting being on the lookout for their next fucking scheme. It’s worth it. Our relationship is. So why would he willingly put himself back in that position? He said before he was hurt that it felt as though I didn’t think he could handle it. These people have played him for a long time. He knows it. It is part of these people’s game to lure you in with a false sense of security. Should I have stayed silent and just let him fall that would have come eventually? Would that have been ethical or considerate? Would it have been the right thing to do. I, well, I don’t think it would have been.

I’m so confused. He brought up his ex to me as well. It was like a slap to the face.

I wish I could take back the past couple of days. Erase them completely. I feel like a part of my soul is gone.

I had a gut feeling that place and those people would stir up again. No matter how many times no matter how many people have confirmed and agreed with him about the place? He keeps going back for more.

I don’t know whether I’m doing the right thing. I am doubting every single move that I make. If I stay silent? How does that help us. If I say more it just … doesn’t seem to work and my words fall on deaf ears. Everything I say or do feels like the wrong thing. I start trying to bring back our old dynamic and routine, but it’s clear he doesn’t feel the same way.

I don’t know what to do.


Post below for things.

I am being lazy af at the moment. So, why not do a post on my blog and get to share something about the people who read my blog? And I am being positive with this, too. So no negativity.

Post below and I will write a little blurb about what I think about you and/or your blog.

You are also welcome to share your thoughts about me, too. 😉


P.S Yes, I am still procrastinating the assignment but the draft is nearly done.

I’m bottling.

I know it isn’t healthy. I know it isn’t good for me and I will find a way to properly talk about it. I’m struggling with it. I’m exhausted, frustrated and stressed out. Uni is stagnating. my business isn’t getting on the ground, and I’m exhausted. I’m barely doing anything! I need release and a chance to breathe. I feel there is no time or I can’t. I feel like I’m burning the candles at both ends. I have so many conflicting emotions right now.

My periods are bad again, so I feel bloated, unattractive, and moody. I hate feeling this way.

Not necessarily a good update.

Dominant red flags

I’ve already touched on this before although I was thinking about it today after watching Brittany Simon’s video on BegforJay. And I have already spoken about some of these with the following links; here, wait, it was just one.

Jay reminded me of a Dominant that I had years ago. So I thought I would post a list of my red flags from Dominants. Please note; that one or two of these things does not necessarily mean that someone is abusive or not educated in BDSM. These are mostly based on my experiences.

Some of these things could in theory be negotiated in specific scenes or with partners that have been together for a long time.

  • Lies. Usually about small things.
  • Loves to gaslight you.
  • Will try to control things that are outside what has been negotiated for. E.g. Trying to pressure you to send intimate pictures, for example.
  • Threatens to shame or humiliate during a break up.
  • Cheats on their partners (usually a vanilla partner).
  • Does not allow the submissive or partner to give proper informed consent.
  • Wants to rush things.
  • Does not want someone to learn from a variety of sources and make their own opinion.
  • Ignores safety words.
  • Mocks the use of safety words.
  • Is unwilling to learn or to accept any form of criticism.
  • Does not believe in negotiating for scenes.
  • Does not respect safety words.
  • Has deep seated issues with misandry or misogyny.
  • A sense of unearned entitlement. E.g. Believes all women are submissive to them.
  • Tries to force or shame their kinks onto others.
  • Does not believe in safe sex.
  • Does not want or expect to negotiate for scenes.
  • Does not believe or do aftercare.
  • Blames everyone else for their problems.
  • Does not want to work in improving themselves.
  • Tries to “groom” other Dominants into serving them.
  • Does not want to learn or to expand their skills.
  • Does not believe in mentorship or learning.
  • Is neglectful of their submissives.
  • Will randomly disappear out of the blue with no explanation.


There are more but I will always be adding more. Feel free to add your own or to say what you think about the whole BegforJay situation. 🙂