This is still off-topic from many of my usual blog entries. However, I’m sure you will manage a few on mental health issues and my personal growth outside the sphere of BDSM. I have seriously looked over the past couple of days how some of my behaviour has enabled abuse/or abusive situations in the past. I’ve looked at the reasons, my responses, what the fear was at the time, the source of the behavioural pattern, and how I can overcome it in the future.
I am a fairly assertive person with the sort of treatment that I accept from people. The issues for me often come from people who are already in my circle. These people I am close to and ultimately want the best for. I want to see them happy and successful in life. Unfortunately this means that I am vulnerable to manipulation and attacks from within. At times, I can be overbearing with my assertiveness, and I will do my best to avoid being pushy with people or hurt them. So, I would tone it down in order to try to be nice.
I learned to compromise with friends on a lot of things. My best friend and I have an excellent friendship. We are both stubborn, strong-willed, and absolutely prefer to do things our own way. That being said, we will both try to compromise to find something that works for us both.
When I have been told by an ex that I wasn’t being nice or overly jealous. This is after his father told me that I was a c*nt and to get him a drink and me telling his father that behaviour was fucking out of line. Or when he purposely kissed a friend of mine (and got a slap from my friend for the effort). All of these things were a slow and gradual attack on my otherwise fairly healthy boundaries.
Encouragement to “be nice” and be supportive were problems for me.
What the fear was at the time.
I didn’t want to be a nasty or a controlling person. I lowered my boundaries (that left me open to a range of abuse), and I didn’t want to lose him. I loved him, and yet there is a nagging niggle. I knew deep down something was up. When I first met the guy I had my first panic attack.
Your body will warn you about someone long before you accept the fact.
Essentially, having sexual abuse as a child. That is not an excuse to accept bad behaviour from anyone and it is a sign of what could happen when people have authority over you. My immediate family have always been quite sane, loving, and supportive with things they knew about. It was a slow… slow process.
I was worried that it would upset my parents if they found out.
I was worried my Dad would murder him and go to prison.
I was worried they would think less of me.
To overcome it.
Learning your boundaries and enforcing them.
Be willing to walk away from negative people. This was something I was taught was weakness. It is a strength to be able to walk away from people who are toxic. You can handle being alone, it may be uncomfortable but you can handle it.
Use your support network for help — do not isolate yourself.
Realise you are strong and resilient.
I don’t typically consider most people to be good or evil. I do think most people are opportunistic, regardless of what they say.
I also think it’s possible for abusive people to have positive personality traits, and they may be bad for you.